Coping With Loss: Everything to Know About Sunshine Babies

Sometimes naming and categorizing a loss can help people process their grief. There are various terms to describe the unique types of infant losses, including “rainbow baby” and “angel baby.” A rainbow baby is one you have after a loss; rainbows come after a storm and biblically represent a promise fulfilled. An angel baby is a baby lost during pregnancy, childbirth, or after pregnancy.

Sunshine babies refer to children who were born prior to the loss of another child, including miscarriages, stillbirths, or any loss in early infancy.

“A sunshine baby is a baby you had before having any knowledge about […] the fact that once pregnant, that pregnancy could turn into a loss,” Maria Constantini-Ferrando, MD, PhD, clinical director and reproductive endocrinologist with Reproductive Medicine Associates, told Mindpath Health.

It’s not a term parents will call their newborn, but a name they will call their living child after a loss. A sunshine baby is a “beacon of hope,” a reminder of “what one’s body has done, as well as […] what could happen again,” Kiana Shelton, licensed clinical social worker and women’s health expert told Mindpath Health.

For some who have decided not to continue their pregnancy journey, their sunshine baby is a reminder of the miracle their child is, and serves as a way to help focus on the positive.

“I definitely see Maeve as a miracle,” Patterson shared with Mom.com. “I cannot imagine life any differently now that she is 9! Do I wish that she had a sibling? Most times, the answer is yes. But I love the bond we have, and how we can give her 100% of our time and attention. I’ve learned that having one child is special, in a different way.”

Nothing will ever be able to erase the pain of losing a child. But there are ways to help you move through the grieving process in a healthy way. Here are some ways to help cope with the loss of your little one:

• Write a letter to your baby. Let out all the things you wanted to say to your baby – your vision for pregnancy, your hopes and dreams for his/her life, your sadness and disappointment. This will help you accept your feelings, rather than deny or suppress them.
• Stay in union with your partner. You likely process grief differently. As you go through the stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance – you may be moving at different paces, or showing/experiencing different emotions through each stage. Keep communication open, withhold judgment, and give each other grace.
• Let people be there for you. You don’t need to force this, but when you feel ready, let your community know how they can help you. Accept offers to bring you food or watch your kid(s) so you can have time to process. People want to help, but they may not know how or what to say – tell them what you need. If you’re not ready to talk about certain things, let them know that you’re not ready yet but that their calls and visits are important to you, and thank them for their patience and support.
• Take care of yourself. Eat healthy food, do something active daily, try to stick to a sleep schedule, and refrain from alcohol and caffeine.
• Seek help from a profession or spiritual leader. Processing your thoughts with a trained, experienced professional may help you move through the healing process at a faster pace. It is especially important to talk to your doctor if you have intense feelings of sadness that last more than two weeks and/or prevent you from living your normal life. If you’re thinking about suicide or death, call 911.
• Get or do something to remember your baby. March of Dimes recommends some of the following ways of memorializing your baby’s life: Collect things that remind you of your baby and put them in a special box or scrapbook. Have a memorial service for your baby, so you can say goodbye and share your grief with family and friends. You can follow up annually with a special candle lighting or prayer on their birthday or the day they passed away. Have a piece of jewelry made. You can also donate to a charity in your baby’s name.

*Coping with infant loss

Experts agree that following a loss, it is important to set aside time with your sunshine baby, not only for him/her, but to help you move through your grief as well. “It can be healing to celebrate life together and embrace the child who is here with you,” Dr. Costantini-Ferrando suggests. “Incorporate memorializing the loss of their sibling in creative ways like building a garden, creating a piece of art, or writing a story.”

Here are some other recommended ways you can process your grief with your sunshine baby:

• Name your baby. Some grieving parents find that it helps to give the baby a name. One mom of four (including one in heaven) named her unborn child Peanut. This gave her and her kids a way of talking about the baby and processing the loss.
• Plant something. Watch your plant grow as a reminder of your baby growing in heaven.
• Paint. Have your kids paint something to remember the baby – what they imagine he looks like, what she’s doing, a memory they wanted but never got to have with their sibling.
• Read books with your child. There are many picture books about loss and grief, like The Invisible String by Patrice Karst, The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld, and The Memory Box by Joanna Rowland (all ranked in Amazon’s top 5 best sellers for children’s books on death and dying).

October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.. May you know (on this day and every day) that you are not alone, and that your child, born or unborn, is worth mourning and remembering.

*sunshine baby after loss