Your mother-in-law sends out a group text, notifying family members that Christmas Day brunch will be hosted at her home. Everyone should be there by 9:30 a.m. sharp. She also assigns each family to bring a specific dish to share, letting you know that you’ll be bringing homemade cinnamon rolls.
Additionally, there’s a new budget for gifts this year, which is definitely out of your price range. Now what?
We may have learned all about reading, writing, and arithmetic in school and old-fashioned discipline at home, but we certainly didn’t learn much about healthy communication, including establishing boundaries with others. Now that we are adults with families of our own, we need a serious crash course on how to create and maintain boundaries, especially during the supposed “most wonderful time of the year.”
What is a boundary?
I checked in with Dr. Sanam Hafeez, a neuropsychologist in New York City and owner of Comprehend the Mind. She shared that a boundary is “a limit or parameter you set around yourself, your resources, and your time.” She added that “boundaries are a way to raise the requirements to have access to.”
And in the words of my own therapist, “boundaries are gifts.” Too often we look at boundaries as harsh or even not polite. However, the exact opposite is true.
Why do we have a hard time setting boundaries?
Dr. Hafeez shared with me that many of us are “afraid of alienating or creating a confrontation.” This is especially true during the holiday season, because she says there “is pressure to be inclusive and generous.”
However, we can be these things without sacrificing our “time or more valuable resources.” She acknowledges that many of us are fearful of “being alone” or generating what we will later regret. Therefore, we let those fears hold us back, and we put our heads down and just “try to get through the month.”
Of course, this leaves many of us unhappy and resentful, which is the opposite of the vibes the holidays should create.
How do we communicate our boundaries?
We know what boundaries are, but how do we share those with the ones who need to know? Dr. Hafeez encourages us to “be honest.” This means “Say what you need or will not tolerate, in the kindest way possible, and leave it at that.” Do not “give details or justify,” because “you take away from the authenticity you’re trying to communicate.” She adds, “Only you’re responsible for your needs.”
What are some benefits of setting boundaries?
Setting healthy, clear boundaries has loads of benefits to you and your family. For example, boundaries “will make you feel honored in the long run, even when it’s hard to lose people.” In turn, “Boundaries will draw the right people to you.” Boundaries “will free up your time for those who deserve it” as well as create space “to do the things that nourish you.”
What are the downsides to not setting boundaries?
If you need more convincing that you must set healthy boundaries this holiday season, take it from Dr. Hafeez. If you choose not to set boundaries, you will be exhausted and your resources, whether they're financial, mental, physical, emotional, and/or spiritual, may be depleted. You may also sense that you’ve been “taken advantage of” and “trampled over.”
If your mother-in-law’s holiday plan doesn’t work well for you and your family, explore why. Perhaps your family wants to have a slower-paced morning at home while opening gifts as the grown-ups sip coffee.
Maybe your baby takes a mid-morning nap and you don’t want to wake him early to jet off to a family gathering, leaving both of you cranky all day. These reasons are perfectly valid. Now that you’ve explored why the declared plans won’t work for your crew, you need to respond to the text.
Perhaps you share some simple boundaries with your mother-in-law, like, “We can’t wait to see you all. We will be arriving around 11 a.m. I can definitely bring cinnamon rolls, but they won’t be homemade.”
To address her budget for gifts, you could simply say, “Thanks for bringing up the budget. We plan to spend about $10 per gift this year.” This is kind and direct, without “giving in” and becoming frustrated on Christmas Day. After all, your entire family, including yourself, deserves a merry and bright holiday with the least amount of stress possible.
