There are many things about pregnancy that just straight-up suck. You know what I’m talking about; the nighttime bathroom trips, feeling like crap all the time, limited clothing selections — the list goes on. But one thing that rules is that you don’t have to make any New Year’s resolutions about losing weight or eating right!
However, that doesn’t mean that I won’t be attempting to make some positive changes in my life. This year, I want to focus on one thing as a mom.
I want to be fully present for my daughter more often (and the little bun that’s still cooking in my oven)
You might think, Being fully present? How hard can that be? I mean, how can we not be fully present in a moment with our children? Especially when we catch them lobbing a toy battle ax at the TV screen to “see what would happen?” I felt pretty present in that moment!
Presence has a close connection with the concept of mindfulness and is often explored through meditation. Many meditation styles encourage a full clearing of one’s mind, thinking of nothing except the experience of the present moment. Many guided meditations will instruct you to focus on the physical act of breathing, or the sensations of your body against the surface you’re sitting on. Some presence exercises are as simple as going outside, closing your eyes, and listening to all the sounds you can hear. All you have to do is name them as they come. Lawn mower. Car. Cardinal. Dog. Leaves.
Something as seemingly simple as total presence in a moment is actually an arduous task for many parents
This is especially true in our technology-saturated world. We are constantly bombarded with stimuli from our phones or TVs and video games in the background. Technology has made us feel as though we must be available for everything and everyone 24-7, and the notifications on our phones are more than ready to interrupt anything we’re doing.
Add onto that the mental load of parenting. At any given time, I have between five and 10 different thoughts jamming through my mind while I’m doing something else entirely with my physical body and even my voice.
Gotta remember to get the dry cleaning. The dryer just went off, better pull out those shirts. Next week is our turn for snack at Girl Scouts. I need to patch those leggings before she makes the hole bigger. The cats are hungry. I’m tired and I need a nap, but I don’t have time.
This is a constant reel in my head, like I’m tuned into a radio broadcast of repeating an emergency message of emotional labor. I have ADHD and am currently unmedicated due to being pregnant, so not only is the radio going, it’s constantly switching stations and there is never a silence unless I consciously make one through extreme mental effort.
Yes, this is the state of my world, but it doesn’t have to be. And it shouldn’t be. When my daughter asks me to sit with her and play cards, do her nails, or play Buzz Lightyear and Barbie planning their wedding, I need to be present for her. I need to show up as her mother. I need to silence my phone and silence my mind and just be with her.
Ask yourself: When was the last time you gave your child your undivided attention?
For me, it was the battle ax incident! But it’s obvious that was not a positive interaction that built up our relationship.
Children want quality time with their parents, and it’s in short supply. We live in a world where the average family has two working adults who sometimes have more than one job, a world where we are constantly distracted by technology and encouraged to have our children in a thousand activities to give them a competitive edge in their capitalist futures. When was the last time you sat down and just played with your kid?
Quality time with presence is not just good for your child — it’s good for you, too
After spending half an hour planning Buzz and Barbie’s wedding with my daughter, I felt good. Content. Happy, even. I didn’t miss anything important on my phone. The laundry could wait. I had the pleasure of spinning a story with my child, collaborating on a fairy tale together, and just being with her.
That’s a huge part of why we have kids, isn’t it? To be with them? To take joy in them? We sacrifice a lot to become parents — let’s use presence to access the joy of the experience. It’s better for everyone, and a way better New Year’s resolution than eating more salad.
