Plan Ahead
For a lot of moms, holiday stress begins soon after the Halloween sugar high wears off. Sure there’s the excitement of extended time with the relatives … then again, there’s all that extended time with the relatives. But you can keep your anxiety levels in check with some advance planning, communication and getting in the right state of mind.
Accept Imperfection
Trying to create a flawless event puts creates a bunch of nervous energy that probably isn’t productive. “We get stress hormones, from adrenaline to progesterone," says Martin Novell, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist. “And these hormones prevent us from proactively thinking and planning. And what they do produce is reactivity to anything that’s in front of us.”
Keep It in Perspective
Remind yourself that no one’s going to die if your turkey doesn’t look like the ones in a cookbook or if your guests have to use mismatched bedding. Novell suggests telling yourself, “This is a holiday that will have a lot of imperfections that you can deal with, that you have the skills to deal with, and that people around you have the skills to deal with.”
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Make an Ally
Talk to your spouse before any arrangements are made. It may seem obvious, but letting your husband know why you are anxious or irritable can help him be more sympathetic (read: more helpful) once the visit is under way. “If you have an agreement with your husband and talk this through, it will be easier because you have an ally,” Novell says.
Educate Your Spouse
If you and your partner come from different cultures, explain how the norms of your family might be different from his. Understanding the subtle variations in communication style, especially between the generations, can go a long way toward averting potential offenses. “In some cultures, grandparents are accorded a great amount of respect. Educate your spouse on these traditions,” Novell advises.
Communicate
Communicate with respect and understanding. Be upfront with guests about potential problems, but first let them know you respect and appreciate them. Has it been a while since you've seen far-away aunts, uncles or cousins? Jump in and break the ice, Novell says. “Don’t be afraid to ask questions," he says, "as opposed to (thinking) if I ask these questions, it shows how out of touch we are.”
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Plan a Healthy Meal
Breaking bread with loved ones ranks among the top joys of the holidays, but it can also cause some of the complications. Stock your fridge with foods that can provide something for people with special diets. And not every meal needs to be rich or topped off with a decadent dessert. “Try your best to plan out a ‘healthy plate’ at each meal that consists of half vegetables and fruits, a quarter of a whole grain, and a quarter of a healthy protein,” says Dr. Linda Shiue, based in Redwood Shores, Calif.
Ask for Help
Asking for help can make guests, particularly older ones, feel more involved. “The elders don’t want to be put to the side [to] feel useless. They want to feel useful,” says Novell. “Even moving the dishes from the dining room to the kitchen is helpful, and they know that.”
Be Willing to be Flexible
The reason many parents feel anxious when guests come to visit is the fear that their kids will turn into little terrors when their routines are disrupted. It’s an especially delicate situation when older relatives have different ideas about child-rearing. “If they live (far) away … it may be wise to yield to them, because it really eliminates conflicts,” says Novell.
Take a Hike
Take time to care for yourself, too. That includes getting enough sleep, eating right and exercising. “Tell [your guests], ‘I’ll need to take a walk or read a book.' There’s no sense in the other person trying to read your mind,” Novell says. If you're feeling more social, “plan a fun group physical activity such as a hike," Shiue says. "It's a way to stay fit and spend quality time together.”
Don't Forget to Laugh
Finally, remember your sense of humor! Especially if it seems as if every year you bicker about the same things with your spouse or mother. “If you live far away from your family, appreciate them,” says Abdel-Malek. “And don’t sweat the small stuff.”
