Long before the pandemic, parenting was a struggle. On any given day, we need to be chauffeur, chef, hairstylist, maid, boo-boo healer, referee, homework helper, birthday organizer, and everything else motherhood entails. It’s only gotten more intense in the last year and a half. The question isn’t are moms burned out? Of course, they are. Stressed out and overwhelmed should not be the default emotional status for women. What we need to ask is what we are going to do about it?
When I was working on the research for my new book How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide, moms across the country talked about the confidence-shaking, anxiety-causing, what-the-hell-happened-to-me, and why-doesn’t-anyone-see-me-anymore reality of becoming a mother. So much about our world becomes gnarled, from sex lives to career paths, even relationships with other women. Why aren’t we talking about that?
The first step to making things better is figuring out what’s missing or needed.
Start by taking this Mommy Burnout Test:
- Am I nurturing my marriage or partnership?
- Is my career headed in a good direction (if your work outside the home)?
- Do I have supportive friendships to turn to?
- Do I feel good about myself?
- Do I nurture the passions I had before kids?
- Have I created a social life or hobbies that have nothing to do with my children?
If you answered no to any of these questions, it’s time to reprioritize
And by this, I mean putting yourself back on top of your to-do list. It’s counterintuitive, I know. But research has revealed that a mom’s satisfaction with her life is more important to her child’s social and emotional development than how much money she has, the amount of time she spends with them, or whether she is a working or stay-at-home mom. Bottom line: Your happiness is more pivotal to your family than you probably envisioned.
Lamaze for your marriage
When we think about how a baby will change our lives, we rarely consider how it will alter our relationship with our partner or spouse. Yes, that dreamed about baby, created with so much love may test the bond with your significant other. When you're both tired, stressed, and overwhelmed, intimacy goes out the window.
The pressures of modern parenthood require a new, or at least, expanded definition of intimacy. It doesn’t take a herculean effort to make your partner feel important or appreciated. Something as simple as saying good morning every day (I have talked to couples who don’t say a word during the morning slog), kissing goodbye, asking about their day, holding hands, or simply touching can make a difference.
Part of the problem is that we mistake what we need for what our partner needs. The fact is, what makes you feel cherished and desired may be totally different from what makes your mate feel that way. Most women say the thing that would make them feel most appreciated is acknowledgement of how hard it is to bear the brunt of the home and childcare duties and having a partner who pitches in without being nagged or guilted into it.
However, if you are waiting for your partner to intuit this, you may be waiting forever. Tell your spouse what you need. And in turn, listen to what they want and need. The goal is for both of you to feel seen and heard.
Find the village you need
Making mom friends can be an awkward process. I liken it to walking into the cafeteria alone on the first day of junior high trying to figure out where to sit. It can bring old insecurities percolating to the surface.
Yet as uncomfortable as it can be, it's necessary. Connecting with other women who are going through something similar can be sanity-saving. Though, it’s not about how many mom friends you have, it’s about the quality of those relationships. Ask yourself: Do I feel good after spending time with this friend? Can I share my highs as well as my lows? You should feel uplifted and cared for. If interactions with a friend leave you feeling anxious or dejected, consider severing ties. If you can’t bear the thought of ending the friendship, then break up with your expectations of that person and keep them at arm’s length.
More than a mom
A lot of women expect motherhood to be the most fulfilling experience you will ever have. It certainly is the most important, yet having the singular identity of mother can feel like an incomplete story. That doesn’t mean you don’t love your family or that you are not grateful to have one. It just means you need something else too. It’s not about having a particular career because you can go off to work and still feel this way. Some women train for a marathon, work for a charity, dedicate themselves to a church or volunteer group, or embark on a creative project. The goal is finding something that makes you feel more complete, that makes you feel purposeful.
Wherever you are in your motherhood journey, remember to give yourself some grace. Though you are now known as so-and-so’s mom, you are still an individual with needs. Just remember, your happiness matters too.
For more on keeping your career on track while parenting, handling clueless and unhelpful partners, taking back ownership of your body, staying connected to child-free friends, dealing with the mommy juice culture if you develop a drinking problem, and what to do if you feel like you’re missing the “mom gene,” pick up How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide, wherever books are sold.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Ericka Sóuter is a parenting expert on Good Morning America and other national network shows, and the author of How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide (Sounds True, August 2021). For more, visit erickasouter.com.
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