After having my first child, my husband was counting down the days until I was cleared to have sex again. Truth be told, I was praying my doctor would tell me I had to wait at least a year before I could have sex.
Since that wasn’t the case, I felt like I had to because we hadn’t been intimate for six weeks (which is zero time if you ask any woman who’s had a baby), and I should want to do this not only with him, but for him.
I slogged through it, forcing myself to have sex with my husband a few times a month and he noticed really quickly I wasn’t into it. I felt like a completely different person, and sex was never on my mind. In fact, I tried to avoid it by coming up with all the excuses I could think of.
It wasn’t until I was pregnant with my second that I felt a spark in my libido
It was during the second trimester after the nausea fades, but it didn’t last. The same thing happened with our third child.
Somewhere along the way, my husband stopped pursuing me, so we stopped having sex. I was relieved yet sad. I wanted to want to have sex with him. I knew it was a huge piece missing in our relationship, yet I felt like I didn’t even know how to be sexual any more.
He tried to be understanding, but as the years ticked by annd nothing changed with me, he grew restless, resentful, and deeply sad.
The truth was, I literally felt like if I never had sex again for the rest of my life, I would be fine. I had zero urges. I would try to watch porn, buy sexy underwear, do whatever I could, but it felt foreign to me to try and get it on. Bradley Cooper could have come to my door, and I don’t even think I would have felt a tingle in my netherregion.
Then, 10 years after having my last child, something started stirring inside of me
I was able to think about sex again without feeling like I wanted to pass out from exhaustion. I was no longer being touched all day, every day, and the desire to be close to someone returned. I wanted to wear sexy underwear for myself. I had some of my old sexual energy back, and it felt good because there was a time when I didn’t think it would ever come back.
Looking back, I think I prolonged my natural desire to want to have sex, because I put so much pressure on myself. I was constantly asking myself what was wrong with me. I viewed my libido like something that was broken, and I needed to figure out how to fix it. I was ashamed and embarrassed, and there was nothing I could do to relax enough and enjoy having sex.
It was as if my entire mind and body was shutting down whenever the subject had come about
I really think that if I had given myself a break, if I had told my husband I needed more time to recover from childbirth instead of not saying anything, I would have been able to feel more like my old self a lot faster.
And if that wasn’t the case, then so be it. Because if you're a mom — regardless of if you gave birth or not — this new role does something to you. It changes you in ways you could never imagine. You are taking on more, and most of the time when that happens, something else has got to give so we have the bandwidth to cope.
If you're someone who feels like your sex drive is gone and never returning, please take it from me: Be easy on yourself.
There is nothing wrong with you
Everyone is different when it comes to craving sex after kids. Take care of yourself, and listen to your body and and your mind. And know that beating yourself up or feeling like you're a horrible partner will not make your sex drive come back any faster, so give yourself some grace.
*Disclaimer: The advice on Mom.com is not a substitute for consultation with a medical professional or treatment for a specific condition. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem without consulting a qualified professional. Please contact your health-care provider with questions and concerns.
