Yesterday was a snow day, and the whole family got to stay home together. I decided to get up early and cook breakfast for my husband and my 5-year-old daughter. The two of them came downstairs together as I was finishing the bacon. “Yay! Eggs and bacon!” my daughter exclaimed. My husband opened up the cabinet to get a glass for his juice.
“Why is my authentic English pint glass not at the back of the cabinet? That’s real. It’s actually from an English pub.”
Mind you, this is the first thing he has said to me all morning.
“We’re not supposed to use it. The more often it gets used, the more chances it has to break.”
Which, to me, defeats the purpose of having a glass at all, unless you want to put it in a display case to be looked at instead of in the cupboard with the rest of the cups. But now wasn’t the time to make that comment.
“OK, I get it,” I snapped. “I put it back in the wrong spot when I was putting dishes away. But you didn’t need to say something about it literally this second when I’m up early on a day off making you breakfast. You pretty much killed the vibe.”
We sat down to breakfast, the two grown-ups clearly not happy with each other. I was fuming, so when he made a comment about the bacon not being cooked enough, I just about came unglued. As I opened my mouth, my daughter put a hand on my arm and said in her sweet kindergarten voice, “Mom, you need to take a belly breath. Make a balloon in your tummy. You’re getting upset.”
I mean, she wasn’t wrong
I did need to take a belly breath. But I was pretty shaken. Here was my 5-year-old giving me suggestions on how to resolve a conflict, or at least not escalate it further.
I’ve always heard that we should fight in front of our kids, as long as we show them how to resolve the conflict. My husband and I definitely have the first part down, no problem. It’s the second piece that we pretty much suck at.
I know what you’re about to ask. Yes, we are in therapy. Yes, I know I’m supposed to use “I feel” statements and talk about the behavior, not the person. And yes, my daughter is right that it’s better to calm down so you can respond, not react.
But in the moment of extreme irritation, I find all of this really, really hard
Part of it has to do with having ADHD and the accompanying rejection-sensitivity disorder (but that’s a story post for another time). I honestly don’t know how to fight well in front of our daughter, but does that mean we shouldn’t fight at all until we get it figured out?
I honestly have no idea.
What I do know, though, is that there are certain topics you don’t fight about in front of your kid. One of those things is definitely money. In fact, my husband and I avoid discussing money in front of her entirely. I want her to understand that if she breaks a toy, we’re not going to just buy her another one, and why I’m on her all the time about closing the doors in our basement to save on the heating bill. But kids absolutely do not need to be clued in to the uncertainty of our increasingly eroding middle class money issues. This creates unnecessary anxiety about something they have no control over.
It’s also not prudent to fight about parenting decisions or discipline
If your child has done something that merits a consequence, but Mom and Dad don’t agree on what it should be, have that discussion away from little ears. My husband and I have always operated under the flag of unity, and we don’t allow our daughter to pit us against each other, or run to Dad when Mom says no.
Also, it should go without saying that you don’t fight about extended family members in front of your kid, or drag them. This is one my husband could work on, as he likes to complain about my mother doing things that don’t make sense, or being constantly late. She is guilty of both, but our daughter doesn’t need to hear these things about Grandma.
I’m glad that our daughter won’t grow up believing that once you get married, everything in your life is perfect. This message is repeated often to kids, especially girls, through Disney princess movies and fairy tales. But I need to take my own daughter’s advice and take some belly breaths as soon as I feel triggered. I need to talk to my husband about how we both have room to grow in this regard. And that's one thing I'm willing to fight for.
