You’re fine.
You’re just overthinking it again.
There are people who have it so much worse than you do.
Sentences like these have been circling through my mind for years now. I’d be lying if I said that the social unrest and global pandemic in 2020 didn’t intensify them, but truthfully, I think I’ve wrestled with depression and anxiety my whole life. I just never had the courage to call them by their names before — until very recently.
Seven years ago, when my daughter was born, it was blissful basically all the time
I felt like I had found who I was supposed to become through motherhood and it felt good. Three years later, my son was born. This time, there was still bliss. But things were more complicated. I was splitting myself between him and his older sister. Everything felt harder and heavier. I couldn’t find the balance. I felt alone and lost in my children, but the bright spots kept me hopeful. When it came down to it, I was trying to keep up with their needs and forgetting to remember my own.
Looking back, I know that I had postpartum depression then
But I couldn’t face it. When things started to feel “better,” I thought it was over. I wasn’t relentlessly exhausted anymore. I felt in tune with my kids. I was keeping up with the laundry and the dishes and the toys everywhere. I was fine.
You can probably guess where this is going. Turns out I wasn’t fine. Little by little, I disconnected. I didn’t want to leave the house. I let the TV raise my kids some days. I ate fast food for nearly every meal. I had no goals, other than making it out of motherhood alive.
I was struggling and I couldn’t deal with that reality, so I didn’t
Then the world fell apart. There were forest fires and brutal displays of racism and an unprecedented virus running rampant with no end in sight. Needless to say, 2020 made it hard to keep shoving my depression skeleton into my closet.
I was depressed. I was anxious. I needed help.
In mid-2020, I went in for my annual wellness check. During the initial questionnaire with the nurse, I answered the questions like I always have. Do you have any of these conditions? No. Do you exercise often? Also, no. Have you been feeling down lately? That one stopped me in my tracks. I’ve always answered it so quickly, without thinking twice. This time, all I could do was think yes.
I heard myself say yes
It felt so freeing and so terrifying all at once to admit this fragment of my inner self to this complete stranger in a small white room. She asked more questions — questions that I allowed myself to answer honestly for the first time. When my doctor came in, we talked about options. He eased my mind and helped me choose a medication to try.
He could tell I was overthinking it. “You know, being a mom is the hardest job in the world, right? You deserve to feel OK while you’re raising humans.” That stuck with me.
Who taught us that we’re the first things to give up on?
Why is the mental health of struggling mothers everywhere so rarely talked about? We have to accept that we’ll be better for our kids if we prioritize ourselves too.
If you’re facing some hard truths and shoving your mental health down again and again, it’s time to let it come to the surface. Take a breath. Answer the question: Have you been feeling down lately? If the answer is yes, let help in. Remember, you deserve to feel OK while you’re raising humans. We all do.
