We talk so much about milestones for kids: their first words, those first steps, the first smile, and the first day of school. They are all moments that moms will never forget. We write them down in baby books, we tell everyone we know, and we all feel a flood of happy and sad emotions. It’s so exciting to see your child accomplish something, but it’s also a reminder of how fast they grow up.
Something I didn't realize after my divorce almost five years ago is that divorced moms have milestones, too. Even if you wanted the split and know it’s for the best, any kind of change is incredibly hard. If you are going through a separation or divorce and wonder if you will ever feel normal again, take it from me: You will. But like all growing pains, you will have to wade your way through the hard stuff and make progress in baby steps.
Here are some milestones you can look forward to:
1. The first time you have sex again without feeling guilty
Even if you are ready to get it on with someone else (most of us are) you might be taken back a bit by how it makes you feel. Moms are pleasers, and we are so used to taking care of everyone else and being in a mom role. A lot of us lose some of our libidos after having kids and after our divorce.
You may get ready for a hot date, feel amazing, have great sex, then be washed with guilt afterward and have no idea why. This happened to me and I wasn’t expecting it at all. I remember my first encounter after divorce. I felt so strange about having another man in my bed that I wanted him to leave. I felt like a horrible mother for wanting to explore this side of myself even though my kids were with their father and he was dating someone else.
Keep in mind this is normal, it will pass, and when it does, you will feel free. Lifestyle changes can do funny things to our minds, even if we are all in. There’s a part of us that feels like we aren’t quite worthy of having great sex or finding love again and nothing could be further from the truth.
2. The first time you see another family and don’t feel your heart sink
This was a struggle for me. I’d be out to lunch alone or with a friend and see a family sitting down to enjoy a nice meal together while my kids were with their dad. It was a reminder of what I didn’t have anymore. You can still miss someone, or miss a certain time in your life, but know it doesn’t serve you any longer. That can take a while to sort out.
After some time, you will see other families and realize that your family looks different these days. You will also realize you have made some of your own memories with your kids, and you can still do all the same things you used to do. There will come a day when you will see a family doing something, and instead of hurting your heart, you will be excited to do something with your kids and realize all that matters is spending time with them.
3. The first time you swallow your pride to avoid a fight with your ex
Trying to co-parent and deal with the hurt of divorce isn’t easy. Egos and feelings get in the way and can get the best of us, I don’t care who you are. If you and your ex struggle to have good communication and get along, it’s easy to take your frustrations out on each other.
However, the first time you swallow your pride and don’t feed into the drama you will feel amazing. It will become a habit, and instead of having a texting war or spending days reminding them you are right, you will have the space to work on yourself and your goals. Not to mention a huge sense of peace.
4. When you stop blaming yourself
This one took me a long time. After four years, I started to get there. I would constantly go through things in my head and tell myself if I had done things differently we’d still be married and my kids wouldn’t have to go back and forth. The truth is though, it takes two to stay in a marriage, and neither of us wanted that any longer. Even if someone is to blame, there are zero benefits in trying to go back and change time.
Moving forward without blaming yourself feels so much better. If you don’t think you will ever get there, I’m here to tell you that you will.
5. The first time you do something really hard, all alone
I depended on my ex-husband to fix things around the house and pay all the bills. I didn’t work for 13 years, and I’d never owned a home on my own. Before he moved out, when I thought about managing it all, I panicked and considered selling my home. Then, the garage door broke and I fixed it. I worked hard every day building my writing career so I could support my kids and stay living in our home. I managed all the household duties on my own while getting my kids where they needed to be on their days with me, even though I didn’t think I could manage it.
With every hard thing I accomplished, I realized I could handle hard things on my own, and it was a wonderful feeling.
6. The moment you realize your life is starting to feel comfortable
For a while, your new life might be complicated, hard, and out of control. You might not have a lot of time to yourself. You might be exhausted. You will probably be lonely. Then, you will feel a shift. You will learn how to fill up your time and find you aren’t as lonely. You will get into the groove of the new schedule, and instead of panicking when things come up, you will realize you can handle anything that comes your way.
Being a divorced mom isn’t easy by any means, but there are some wonderful milestones in there that will remind you that you're going to be just fine.
