When I was married, I left a lot of things up to my husband and I didn’t even realize it. He paid the bills and was in charge of finances. I never really knew how much money we had, and because I stayed home with the kids and didn’t bring in any income, I was hesitant and felt that I had to ask him each time I wanted to spend money.
If I wanted something for the house or to buy a new outfit, I usually cleared it with him first
If something needed to be fixed, he’d either do it or call the right person to fix it. I didn’t go out with friends very much because I either had kids in tow or I felt bad taking off after he got home from work. I knew he was tired, and a lot of nights, by the time he got home, I was too tired too.
My ex-husband was not controlling and he didn’t tell me I had to run certain things by him or wait until he called someone to have the back deck repaired. These were roles we kind of fell into and most of it was my doing. I felt that my place was to take care of the house and the kids since he was supporting all five of us financially. He encouraged me to go out sometimes — and I would — but I’d always feel guilty, or too tired to enjoy myself, so I didn’t do it often.
I always consulted him about spending money on things because I never really felt like it was mine – it was his. Again, these are my words, not his. But looking back, I wasn’t doing myself any favors with this way of thinking. It wasn’t until we divorced that I realized I’d given a lot of my power away. When we were married, I was comfortable and didn’t worry about how much it cost to clean the gutters or repair the car.
Being a single mom and owning your home is a tough combination
There is always something that needs to be done, and my ex-husband was handy and could usually tell what was wrong with something just by looking at it. When he left, he was a phone call away and has always answered any question I’ve had about the house. But fixing it, updating it, or doing any kind of repair is up to me now.
That was really scary at first, and it took me some time to have enough faith in myself and realize that I was capable of fixing some things and learning how to do updates around my home by myself. I also started asking around for a good handyman and found one. Then, I saved money to have our bathrooms retiled, the garage roof repaired, and many other things that used to intimidate me.
With the realization came a lot of peace
As far as the finances are concerned, I love managing my money, saving, and being able to spend it without having to consult with anyone else. I realize that is a big part of marriage, and I’m not saying I’ll never do it again, but I am saying I’ll always have my own checking account and I will never be dependent on anyone to make and manage our money.
Doing this by myself has been so empowering. I love watching my savings account grow as much as I love impulsively buying a handbag that wasn't in my budget and not having to hide it or overexplain myself.
It's been life-changing
But the one thing that has brought me the most peace is the fact that I’ve been through something really hard and heartbreaking and I’m stronger because of it. I don’t mean that every day is peaceful and filled with dreamy thoughts. What I’m saying is that at times when I feel really anxious and alone, all I have to do is remind myself of how far I’ve come, and it sets my mind at ease because I know I can handle anything that comes into my life.
