I waited about three years to become a mom for the first time. My husband and I had been married about four years when I got sicker and sicker. It took well over a year until I was appropriately diagnosed — on death’s door — with Type 1 diabetes, an autoimmune disease with no cure. We knew we wanted to have children, but all of a sudden, we weren’t sure how we would build our family. Pregnancy can be dangerous for a Type 1 diabetic.
We decided that we would adopt, but of course, you can’t "just adopt"
We had to choose an adoption agency, then we proceeded through a long home study process. We had to be interviewed, fingerprinted, background checked. We had our home inspected, and we provided references. We needed to prove that we were fit to be parents. The process was both exciting and disheartening. Other couples who were waiting to adopt were chosen before us. We waited 14 months, experiencing many maybes before we were placed with a baby girl.
During the three years of planning and waiting to become parents, we received many baby shower invitations. We were at the age when many of our friends were marrying and having kids. Each time I received a glossy, pastel invitation, a lump would rise in my throat. I’m generally not a jealous person, but I couldn’t help but feel sad that others were becoming parents — sometimes twice — before us.
Looking back, I know I wasn’t alone
Many people experience miscarriages, infertility, child loss, difficult pregnancies, or unexpected pregnancies. All of these situations can create grief. Even if someone is actively healing from their loss or situation — whatever it is — someone else’s baby shower can feel like a slap in the face. Reminders of what could have been or what was are painful.
My advice is to consider that perhaps, if you are in a season of struggle, you can decline to attend the baby shower. Give yourself permission to say, “Thank you, but I won’t be attending.” Yes, even if the shower is for your dearest friend or family member.
If you are in a dark place, it may be best for you to be absent rather than place a cloud over the celebration. Choose a gift off the honoree’s registry and have it sent to them. Celebrate with them from afar, in a way that honors your grief. You are not a bad friend or family member if you choose to do this. Your sadness is real, your situation is hard, and it is OK to say no.
I also believe there are times in life when we should suck it up
It’s like when my kids’ have a school program. I think they are painstakingly boring. (Yes, I said it.) However, I show up, clap, and take pictures, because it’s my mom duty — and because I love my kids. I also believe that if an event — like a baby shower — is going to leave you sobbing or stewing, you can politely decline to attend. A truly good family member or friend will understand and support you in your self-care.
Make sure, if you are in a place where you need to decline a baby shower invite, that you are doing the work to heal. Therapy is one of the best ways to work through tough situations and circumstances. Make sure you have a supportive network of friends and family. Journaling, exercise, meditation, and religious rituals can all bring about healing. There are medications to help with anxiety, depression, and trauma disorders.
Don’t gaslight yourself and all that you’ve been through
You might even still be in the middle of your difficult situation. Instead of practicing denial or trying to push through the pain, step into it. If you feel you should decline an invitation, do so. In fact, by saying “no, thanks,” you may be just one step closer to healing.
