I used to wake up every morning, pee, then weigh myself. This torturous tradition started in the 8th grade after a routine doctor's appointment. For the longest time, I’d weighed 75 pounds. I never weighed myself at home very much, but I do remember when my sisters and I would fool around with the blue floral scale my parents kept in the bathroom and it had said the same thing for years.
That doctor’s appointment was a moment I’ll never forget
When the nurse told me I weighed 140 pounds, I was kind of in shock. I hadn’t really paid too much attention to what I’d been eating, but I knew I was hungry a lot. I also was well aware I had large breasts, my hips had expanded, and I was a lot fuller than my other 13-year-old girlfriends.
Despite knowing I was larger, I was happy and never felt the need to weigh myself.
I was 5’7" and the doctor told me to “keep things under control because I was a few pounds over what I should be.” She pulled out a diagram that stated “females should weigh 100 pounds at 5-feet tall and add on 5 pounds per inch.” In other words, since I was 5’7” and weighed 140 pounds, I was considered to be slightly overweight.
That night, before I got in the shower, I looked at my naked body for a long time in the mirror. This was something I’d never done before because it had never crossed my mind to analyze myself in that way.
Before that appointment, I knew I didn’t exactly look like the woman in the magazine, but I felt really good about myself
That was the day I vowed to lose weight. It was during the ‘80s, at the height of the "fat-free" phase. All the magazines told you to stay away from foods like nuts, avocados, and red meat. I figured that was the way to lose a few pounds, and I began tracking my self-worth with the scale every day.
The fat-free stuff left me feeling hungrier and emptier than ever. I weighed myself every morning, determined to get to the “right” weight. When it happened a few months after that doctor’s appointment, it wasn’t enough.
I had been analyzing and comparing myself so hard since that day I knew I needed to be smaller
I asked all my friends how much they weighed. I read every magazine article I could get my hands on about diets, exercise, and how to trick yourself into feeling full. I began measuring my food, counting every calorie and fat gram. Before long, I knew how many calories were in each food. The worst part was that I was always starving.
I dropped more weight, and if the scale tipped up even a smidge, I’d get off of it and make sure it was right. I’d think about it all day and wonder why I’d put on a pound (or a fraction of a pound), and try to make up for it.
My cycle of beating myself up, weighing myself every day, and letting it measure my worth lasted about a decade
It was a dark time in my life and something I felt I couldn’t escape. After all, shouldn’t you know what you weigh? If I stopped this behavior, wouldn’t I be weak?
No. Not even a little bit.
Today I have no idea what I weigh, and I have no idea how many calories I eat every day
And you know what? I’m in the best shape of my life, and I am the healthiest (physically and mentally) I have ever been. I refuse to have a scale in my house, and I tell the doctor I don’t want to be weighed or know my weight.
I realize some people are fine with knowing their weight and how many calories they get. It helps them stay on top of things and doesn’t make them feel worthless. I am not like that though. I weighed myself and counted calories long enough to know it was not helpful to me.
Instead, I move my body like I love myself
I eat healthy, nourishing foods when I am hungry. Nothing is off-limits and I will never be able to give up any kind of food because I love it all. I love cake and french fries, but I also know what I feel like if I eat too much of those foods, or have them two days in a row. My body and mind don’t like it when I do that, so I pay attention.
For me, it’s not about how much I weigh or restricting myself or counting anything. It’s about feeling satisfied, nourished, and knowing I’m fueling my body without depriving myself. There’s nothing like having a burger and fries on a Saturday with my kids, but I equally love getting back on track the next day with healthy fats and lots of protein.
I can do this without the scale, without counting anything and without beating myself up if I put on a few pounds. When I was tracking everything and paying attention to the number on the scale, it was consuming me and I was never happy with my body. Letting go of that has made me feel lighter, and I’ve maintained a good, healthy size for decades now.
Throwing away the scale, not measuring my food, and letting go of the size I’m "supposed” to be has been the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.
