Even if you’ve never heard the term default parenting, you’ve likely seen it in practice. It’s when your kids bypass their dad and head straight to you to have their needs met. Or when you have to ask their dad if he will watch the kids before you can leave the house. You’re the one scheduling doctor’s appointments, checking school folders, and ensuring vitamins are refilled when they get low.
From small details to the major dealings of parenting, as a mom, you’re expected to handle it without question.
That is default parenting. It’s what’s causing moms to be overly stressed, resent their partners, and sometimes have an overall negative parenting experience. But it doesn’t have to be this way. That’s why it’s time to say goodbye to the concept of default parenting.
What is Default Parenting Syndrome?
Default Parenting Syndrome occurs when women are expected to take on primary parenting duties.
You can be a default parent and love your children. You can be a default parent and love your spouse.
You can also be a default parent who feels suffocated and overwhelmed by the pressure placed on your shoulders to be the primary caregiver.
Why default parenting is unhealthy for moms
Dr. Amber Thornton, clinical psychologist and host of The Balanced Working Mama Podcast, shared four consequences that can occur as a result of moms being the default parent.
- Chronic fatigue and burnout: As the default parent, you spend more time caring for your children or thinking about what you have to do for them. Doing so leaves you physically and mentally exhausted.
- Resentment toward your partner and children: When you become the go-to parent, it’s common to feel resentment toward your partner and children. It slowly develops over time until your feelings start to impact the relationship. Thornton says, “Growing resentment can interfere with the quality of relationships with partners and closeness or connection with children.”
- Diminished ability to care for yourself: You have less time to ensure your needs are met when you’re the only one prioritizing the needs of your kids. Over time, it’s common to forgo your needs and wants altogether as you lose yourself in motherhood.
- Significant decline in mental health: Anxiety, depression, and feeling mentally overwhelmed are all feelings someone may feel as the default parent.
How to change the default parenting structure
Dr. Thornton recommends you do these three things on the path to developing a healthier parenting style:
- Think of yourself as more than a mom: When you see yourself beyond your role as a parent, you’ll realize your value doesn’t rest in what you do for your kids and the household. As you add more titles behind your name (friend, runner, artist, entrepreneur, moviegoer, etc.), you’ll realize the importance of making time for those things. It’ll then require you to stop putting parenting above everything else.
- Share your needs with your partner: You must openly discuss the changes you desire. It’ll take a joint effort to change your current parenting structure.
- Seek outside support: Sometimes, you don’t have the tools to restructure your parenting plan together. That’s when you want to seek help outside of your household. That could include talking to friends and family, but it could require family or relationship counseling.
Although being the default parent can be challenging, you don’t have to settle. It’ll take some mindset shifts and challenging conversations, but you and your partner can develop a better parenting plan.
