Over the course of my marriage, I’ve come to realize that the saying “love is a choice” can be so true.
When my husband and I first started dating, our relationship was in that puppy love stage. The one where you never really argue and everything the other person does is perfect. The stage where everything is easy.
That stage lasted until I got pregnant with our first child. Pregnancy was so hard for me physically and emotionally. I was alone in a new town, extremely sick with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, and depressed, and over time, I began to resent everyone around me. I was so tired of hearing people give me their morning sickness advice, and I hated how the only person who truly understood how sick I felt was my husband — who was gone all the time at his 60-plus-hours-a-week job.
Things only got worse after our daughter was born, and this was when my husband and I officially entered the worst season of our marriage. We began to fight constantly, and over time, my temper got worse and worse. The resentment I felt had started to multiply. We had no help, barely anybody came to visit or check in, and my husband still worked a lot, so I was alone with our baby most of the time. We didn’t have the money to get a sitter, so date nights weren’t an option, and he wasn’t home enough for me to get breaks.
I was exhausted.
I was constantly giving and giving but wasn’t refilling my cup. I felt like my needs weren’t being met. I wanted someone to talk to and I wanted more help. Right after delivering, my mental health began to suffer, and I developed really bad depression and anxiety. There were times when I felt “good” and times where I felt like I had hit rock bottom and I would cry constantly.
And my husband felt helpless through it all.
He wanted to be home more to help out, but he had to work to provide financially for our family. He had no self-care, as everything seemed to revolve around our daughter and me. He would have done anything to help me, but there was only so much that he could do and he was already doing his best.
And on top of all of the individual stress we felt, we weren’t spending enough time together as a couple and fostering our marriage because we always had our daughter with us. So it felt like there wasn’t even a loving, romantic relationship between us.
We were in a place where we were stuck and just doing the best that we could. Despite feeling so overwhelmed and arguing so much, we knew divorce was not an option for us. I do think divorce is a valid choice for certain relationships and situations, but we wanted to fight for our marriage, and we chose to continue fighting even when we were tired and didn’t know what the next step was.
Since we didn’t know what to do, we first worked on my mental health. I began seeing a therapist, then eventually I saw a psychiatrist as well. I was given medication, and even though it helped, it didn’t help as much as I would have liked — or needed. Therapy was extremely beneficial, though. My husband even went to a few of the sessions where we were able to talk a few things over.
After working more on my mental health, and with our daughter being a little bit older, things got to an easier spot. We began implementing things in our relationship — and even our arguments — that helped us grow closer together again. And there are more things that we are doing, but I want to share a few things that have helped us strengthen our marriage again.
1. We try to be more intentional with the way we treat one another
We focus on our love languages and trying to fulfill those needs. My husband knows that one of my love languages is receiving gifts, so “the little things” are big to me. He tries to go out of his way to do them for me. I know that one of my husband’s love languages is physical touch, so I try my best to hug him more and hold his hand more.
It’s silly because it seems like such small things to do, and for some it seems like common sense, but to us it is something we work on because we have different needs in these ways.
2. We have been trying to focus more on self-care
This is so hard to do with little kids at home and a lack of a support system to help watch our kids, but we try to find ways to get in “me time.”
Right now things are crazy for us in the house, so alone time is hard to come by, but we are trying to make the best of it. I love taking baths, having a glass of wine at night, and drinking an iced coffee every morning. My husband has been having a harder time finding time for himself, but he loves watching his shows before bed and enjoying his coffee in the morning before the kids get up.
And I don’t want to act like everyone has the luxury of getting help and getting breaks. So if you have that opportunity, take advantage. And I know it is hard, but if you don’t have the opportunity, try to make the best of what you have at the moment – because one day your kids will be grown and you will have more time again.
3. We have been dividing responsibilities in a more efficient way
I used to try to take on everything around the house and with the kids, but now that my husband has a new job and is home more, I ask him to do certain things to help me. One example of this is when I breastfeed our son at night, my husband brings him to me, and then puts him back in his crib after he’s done. This is extremely helpful to me, even though it seems like such a small task.
And mamas, I want to add that our significant others want to help, but they just need to be told what to do. What has helped me when delegating tasks to my husband is being very specific and telling him exactly what to do — this way, no routines are thrown off course.
4. We have considered counseling
Although we are in a better spot, we have gone back and forth over the thought of going to counseling again. We are not opposed to the idea, it is more of a discussion with cost and time, but we are willing to go over issues that need to be addressed with a mediator. Since I have a temper, I know I can be very hard to talk to and need someone there to calm me down sometimes.
Counseling can also help you to gain more insight about yourself, which is always a great thing to have. And please remember that there is no shame in seeking counseling, because sometimes we need help moving past certain things that have happened in our lives.
5. We don’t compare our relationship to others
It is so important to remember that in every relationship there will be hardships, so try not to compare your relationship with other people’s. It’s normal to have times where you can’t seem to find common ground on a particular issue. It’s normal to argue, to feel stuck, and to have to work through things.
Thankfully, we are finally out of the worst season of our marriage
I’m glad that over time, some issues resolved themselves while others were resolved by us working together on them. And by no means are we perfect people or a perfet couple. We’re just doing the best we can and working through issues as they come, one day at a time, together.
