How Co-Parents Can Make the Holidays Joyful for the Kids

Some of the hardest times after divorce are the holidays. Depending on your custody arrangements, you might not spend Christmas—or any of the long winter break—with your children. While that's sad for everyone, it doesn't mean your kids can't have a joyful holiday. It's up to you and your co-parent to ensure that happens.

Start by making all the big decisions in person. You'll have to look each other in the eyes and empathize with each other's disappointments. It also leaves less up to interpretation, which happens over email and texts.

Find a way to keep your sense of humor. This is not how you planned your family, but it is the family arrangement you now have. Kids don't want to be caught in the middle, and if their parents can still laugh—maybe not with each other but at least at life—they'll learn they can laugh during the holidays, too.

When working with your co-partner, start out by remembering the holidays from your child's perspective. Maybe they don't like to travel, don't like certain foods, don't like that they won't see Mom or Dad on Christmas morning. Looking at co-parented holidays from your child's perspective might give you the guidance you need in making your plans.

Even if you're not with your child on the big days, make sure the time you do have together is spent with your full attention, having fun and making memories.

Your child is happy if her parents are happy. She doesn't want to see you lonely. So, even if your kids are not with you during the holidays, don't try to skip out. Meet up with other single parents who are flying solo this holiday and support each other. Have fun, so that when you do see your kids, and your child asks what you did, they'll see you, too, had a joyful holiday.

Forget holiday perfection. Aim for "good enough." The time you do spend with your kid should be enjoyable, comfortable and memorable. If you're stressed about trying to pull off something perfect to make up for the fact that you're no longer all together, you're setting the stage for feelings of guilt and dread during the holidays, rather than joy and togetherness.

If this is your first holiday apart, it's OK to feel sad—but find a way to stay hopeful. It won't always feel this hard. Your kids are taking their cues from you, and they want to be hopeful, too.

When you're talking about your plans for the holidays, listen closely to what your kids say. Take their suggestions and ideas seriously. While the ideas might sound ridiculous at first, they might also be the start of something new. Let them help you make these special days joyful.

Your ex might get on your last nerve—you divorced for a reason, after all—but finding a way to let go of long-held grudges—or even, dare we say, apologize for actions and words that you regret—could have a surprising effect on your work as a co-parenting team. Doing this could let you focus mindfully and fully on the needs of your child. This also could let you find a new sense of joy in the holidays, which your child will pick up on as well.

Travel logistics, timing for holiday shows, dress codes, meals can all be fraught if you're not working together as a team. What's most important is to stay flexible, within the constraints of your custody agreements. Try to stick to the schedule as best you can. And be forgiving when your co-parent is running behind, too.

Get on the same page with everything—school and sports, shows and parties, holiday travel, grandparents, gift obligations—divvy it all up and schedule it. Assume nothing. Avoid last-minute changes.

Turns out, there's actually no rule book for the holidays. You can alter traditions to fit your new family structure. You can also make up brand-new ones. Let the kids give their input, and you'll have a joyful holiday you'll always remember.

Of course, you're wondering how things are going Christmas morning at your ex's house. But resist the urge to text your child to ask. Wait for her to text you—don't crash her party. Let the kids be fully present for their holidays with your co-parent. You want them fully present when they're with you.

Rule No. 1 in divorce is not bad-mouthing your ex in front of your kids. That rule still holds during the holidays. No comments about the food, the tiny tree, your ex's lack of gift-wrapping skills. Save it for your BFF or therapist.

In the spirit of not running your ex down in front of your kids, while also keeping you from a full meltdown, write out your grievances. If you unload on the page (or your phone's notes app), you'll be less likely to let it slip when talking to the kids—or on your next scheduled call with the ex.

Hard as this sounds, work toward befriending your ex's new partner. You don't have to be besties, but developing a respect for the other adult your child will be spending lots of time with strengthens your co-parenting game. They'll start to learn your values and traditions, and understand your perspective around the holidays, as well. Plus, they'll understand the kids you all have in common a little more.

It's important to check in with your kids not only about their feelings during the holidays but also about what they want. While you might not be able to doing everything the way they want, at least hear them out and acknowledge the plan isn't what they either hoped for or want right now. Let them know that you and your co-parent are working together. The holidays might not be what they want or expect right now, but also let them know that they're safe, loved and have a place wherever they are.

When the kids are away, even if you've craved a break, you will feel lonely. Make a plan now for how you'll cope with feelings of loneliness and sadness. Your kids aren't responsible for your happiness. Their absence is yours to deal with, not theirs to fill.

Sending your child off to your co-parent's home can trigger big feelings in children. Don't assume this means they'll be miserable. Don't assume your co-parent's home is a bad place. But do acknowledge that your child is sad, and sit with them in that sadness.

Do your best to work together as co-parents. You can't control the behaviors of others, much less your ex, but assume you both have your children's best interests in mind and work toward maintaining that. Know that your ideas about the holidays are not more correct than your ex's. Hear each other out. Put sadness and irritation aside. Do your best to work together in the spirit of joy for the kids.