As a divorced woman, I've had some time to reflect. One crucial thing I’ve learned over the years links directly to one reason why I believe my past relationships haven't lasted: because I always had my partner at the forefront of my mind.
I wondered what they’d like to eat, where they’d like to go
I wanted my ex-husband to be impressed when he came home to a clean house and a home-cooked meal. I wanted him to see that I was a great mom, that I was organized, and that I was able to handle multiple tasks at a time.
Then, after our divorce, I dated a few men and realized very quickly that I was saying yes to things I didn’t want to do and going to places I didn’t want to go, just to please them. My ex-boyfriend wanted to go to a baseball game and I agreed — even though I hate baseball. If he wanted to go to a certain place to eat, I’d agree and think it’s fine, it's just food. You can get what you really want later.
If they watched hours of sports on television, I wouldn’t say anything. If they said they forgot to call, I wouldn’t speak up. If we made plans, but something else came up that I really wanted to do, I wouldn’t do it so I could stand up to my word.
But guess what?
All I was doing was people-pleasing myself into a resentful hole. I was biting my tongue, always thinking of them and what they wanted to do in order to make them happy. Not only did they not know I would rather be eating somewhere else, or that if I watched another football game I was going to scream, but I grew mad at them for not doing the same for me.
In my current relationship, I’ve decided to do something different because it’s what’s fair to both people: instead of thinking of him all the time and what he wants, I think of me first. This doesn’t mean I don’t compromise, or I drag him to do something I know he hates without a care in the world, but it does mean that I speak up.
I tell him I've watched enough sports
If I want to go to his favorite restaurant (again) and I don’t want to go, I suggest another place. If he asks me to help him do something around his house yet he hasn’t helped me when I’ve asked and won’t even pick up his dog’s poop when they come to visit (after I’ve asked him), I tell him no.
This is a lot better than swallowing my feelings to keep the peace or appearing like I’m high-maintenance. I believe women are conditioned to believe that if they ask for what they want, they are needy, bitchy, or crazy. We are shown over and over that men like women who are happy, who smile, who don’t cause a fuss, who aren’t temperamental — even when they are reacting to disrespect.
And I’m over it
I’m not going to live my life that way, nor am I going to complain about my partner not getting it when I refuse to tell him what "it" is. He has a choice: He can stay with me, or, he can leave if he doesn’t want a woman who speaks up and feels worthy enough to share her opinion.
Let’s face it: Most men are thinking of themselves all the time. This isn’t an angry woman talking, this is something I’ve seen and heard over and over from the men and women of the world. So, not only are they thinking about themselves all the time, so are their partners. Not to mention their moms are probably thinking of them too.
Here we have men who have a few different people thinking about them and their needs all the time, and women who are thinking of everyone else while no one is thinking of them. No wonder why so many women feel lonely — even when they are in relationships.
I don’t think men are going to change, but I can change
I can think of myself and my needs before my partners', as a way to balance things out and keep me from feeling like I’m twisting myself into a pretzel to keep someone else happy.
And believe me, it’s a game-changer.
