Last week I got into it with my ex-husband. We were on the phone, going over our kids’ schedules and upcoming plans, which is something we have to do quite often since there are three of them, and they are teenagers.
As the conversation was moving along, he expressed how he’s been struggling when the kids want to do something with their friends or my family members during his time with them.
He also feels like they “don’t do enough,” and he’s been forcing them to do things like go on hikes, boat rides, and places with him and his girlfriend when they aren’t up for it.
I’ve been really caught in the middle of this lately
My kids are complaining to me about doing things with their dad they don’t want to do. My ex is getting his heart broken because he feels like they don’t want to do things with him anymore.
I was doing my best to stay neutral and told him how they are growing up and we need to give them more freedom. They didn’t ask to go between two homes. I also said they are too old to be forced to do things, and he should try asking them if they could come up with something to do together.
“Well, you let them do whatever they want and never do anything with them except take them out to eat,” was his response.
Now, I know my ex very well, and this is what he does when he’s upset
I also know that what he said isn’t true — I do a lot of things with my teens, but they are more in line with what they want to do. We go shopping, they have friends over, and we make meals together.
And no, I don’t force them to come with me to spin class or on a hike. I’d rather go by myself or with a friend and have peace without all the complaining.
I still got very angry, yelled at him, and hung up the phone
Then, I had to get myself together to go pick up my kids from school. It was hard not to vent to them, but I know that if I do that, it will affect them in ways I can’t erase.
My kids need to know their father and I are a united front, and we have their best interests in mind at all times.
That doesn’t mean it’s not easy, though
When my ex started dating right away and got serious with a woman my kids adored, it was really hard to keep my mouth shut when they would talk about how great she was. When they feel like he’s being unfair and forcing them to do something, they come to me and tell me.
While I don’t agree with how my ex handles everything, and I encourage them to talk to him, I will never say that to my kids.
His house is his house, and we are different rules
I won’t teach my kids to disrespect their father. The most important thing to me is that they have a good relationship with him. I will never, ever come between that.
When we first separated, we made a pact: We would never bad-mouth each other in front of our kids. They are not equipped to handle that, even if they are upset with the parent being talked about.
They need support and encouragement, not more stress
My parents constantly did this to each other after they divorced, and the effects it had on me and my sisters weren’t good. We felt caught in the middle, like we were betraying one of our parents.
It’s been working for us for five years, and I’m not going to screw it up now, even if I get really angry at my ex. My kids don’t need to see their mother bashing their father and vice versa.
Besides, that’s what girlfriends and other family members are there for – thank god for them!
