When my husband and I chose marriage, we chose to become a united partnership. His problems became mine, my joys became his. Our bank accounts joined forces as did our debts. In all things – together.
So simple to recite those vows, and yet so very difficult to live them day in and day out. Why? Because I’m an annoying and selfish person, even 15 years later. And I probably don’t have to tell you about the “cute little quirks” that endured me to my husband and how they haven’t always been so cute as we settled into familiarity with one another.
Throughout our 15 years of commitment, we’ve weathered our share of storms: job transitions, moves across the state and then across the country, death of loved ones, as well as five children and all the blessings and hardship they bring. We’ve been to counseling and coaching. We’ve read books and listened to podcasts. We’ve tried really hard to make our marriage a priority.
Over the past decade, as we’ve grown as a family, I’ve relished in the early memories of our life together. We did it all together. We prepped meals together, sat parallel completing schoolwork, went on walks hand in hand, and watched marathons of television series side by side. And then kids made us stronger as a couple and weaker — nothing pushed us to the brink like being tight on money and low on sleep.
And on our last anniversary, which we celebrated a month late since that’s the only time we could nab a sitter, we talked through what made it work. We also discussed why at year 15 we feel confident we will make it to 20, 30, and 40 years. Despite facing more life stressors than ever, we’re good, really good.
It boiled down to one quip: divide and conquer. We’re thriving in this upside down, wild season of parenting and life together because we’re not stuck in a Hollywood mirage of romance. We’re not afraid to get dirty and be tired and take on responsibilities that aren’t technically our own. This week I changed the air filters, while he scrubbed an old stain in the carpet. Then he made magic with leftovers, while I sat down with a pile of mail that needed attention.
And since our goal is not only to stay afloat but to safely navigate the waters and arrive at our next port, we can’t always be snuggled up in the captain’s quarters. There is work to do.
On a weekly basis, we outline our to-do lists, projects, daily tasks, work deadlines, and kids’ schedules, and we prioritize. I take things off his plate and he takes things off mine. We divide up all the musts, consider the hopefuls, and get at it.
No longer are we waiting for the easy or calm days. Instead, we’re embracing the wild together. We don’t do the same things, but everything we do contributes to the same goal – the success of our marriage and our family.
