My friends warned me motherhood would change everything. So, even before I gave birth to my son, I was well versed in the ways momming would alter my sleep schedule and my waistline. What really made me nervous, though, was how it might shift my relationship with my husband.
During our lunch dates, my friends regaled me with tales of disagreements and disconnections with their partners, so I worried my marriage might change for the worst. I will say that becoming parents definitely showed us the flaws in our partnership, but it also shined a light on our strengths. It brought us together with a common goal — parenting our son.
Here are 7 of the biggest ways having a baby changed my marriage. Maybe some sound familiar to you too — but we can talk about all that over lunch.
1. Having a third wheel
After our son was born, my husband and I had a constant party crasher. Dinners changed from intimate convos about our day to loud sing-alongs encouraging our little guy to eat. Romantic evening strolls morphed into stroller time trying to soothe our son. Getting used to the constant company inspired us to come up with inventive ways to rediscover our connection — and perfecting our “loud whisper” so our baby could sleep while we talked.
2. Discussions are intense
While my husband and I share a love for our son, we didn’t always share the same approach to raising him. This meant our parenting discussions could grow quite intense. When we discovered it was our deep love for our kid that fueled our need to be a heard, we focused on listening and taking ideas from both sides. This avoided hurt feelings and ultimately gave us many more helpful parenting options.
3. Naptime is now quality time
Sleep deprivation when caring for a baby is the real deal. Any extra time I might’ve had after feedings, diaper changes, and playtime was spent trying to sneak in some rest. When my husband mentioned he missed spending time with me, I told him he could always join me in a power nap.
4. You always have something to talk about
Before becoming parents, silence would interrupt our conversations because we’d talk about everything. I’m thinking this issue has permanently left the building, because we can always talk about our kid. From playtime to bathtime to simply being-awake time, we have a sweet story to share for every moment.
5. The bond between you increases and decreases
Learning to care for our son brought my partner and I together as a team, but somedays our teamwork doesn’t score us points. Debates about parenting, naptimes, and even whose turn it was to fold laundry would throw us off our game. After a little space (and a nap), we’d gain perspective and reunite as a team — until we forgot (again) whose turn it was to fold the laundry.
6. You learn (weird) things
I was ready for all the new life lessons a new baby would bring, but what I didn’t realize was how many of these would be centered around my husband. Noticing his new quirks took less time than my three-second showers, and I quickly understood stuff like: I functioned on less sleep way better, and I was the one who could always find the baby clothes, bottle accessories, and diaper products. Even to this day, the learning hasn’t stopped — along with my husband’s ridiculously late sleep schedule.
7. Parenting is never fair
In the days before our kid, my husband and I did our best to divide household tasks fairly. I figured we’d continue this trend and keep our parenting duties as equal as possible, too. Nope. No matter how hard we tried, we couldn’t work out a balanced system. Initially, this created some resentment, but once I realized it simply wasn’t doable, my angst eased up. My partner and I try to be each other’s true partner, and while this doesn’t always cook our dinner, it does give me peace of mind knowing we’re doing our best.
I think it’s safe to say that having a baby is a game-changer
It’s not always easy, and some shifts can be a total surprise, but our son is without a doubt the best part of us. Whereas my marriage once revolved only around my husband and myself, now our focus includes raising a happy and healthy kid — who, in turn, raises up our relationship. And I wouldn’t change that for anything.
