13 Things to Consider Before You Decide to Adopt

Are you considering adoption for your family? Whether you choose fostering first, or adoption agencies for domestic or international adoption, youโ€™ll likely encounter many myths about adoption.

How to decide if adoption is right for you? In honor of November being National Adoption Month, here are a few things to consider before you decide to adopt so you can have a clear understanding of the issues.

Talk about adoption: Important factors to remember

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Each year approximately 135,000 children are adopted in the U.S. Though adoption is a joyful occurrence, loss and grief are also inherent to the process.

1. Adoptions are predicated on loss
Regardless of how happy the adoption process is for you and your child โ€” remember that many adoptions are based on the underlying loss of their birth families.

2. How would you feel if your child wanted a relationship with their birth family?
Even adoptees who have fantastic relationships with their parents may want to meet and develop a relationship with their birth parents and families. โ€œThat search has little to do with your parenting or your love for your child,โ€ adult Korean adoptee Jessica Tan told Mom.com.

3. Which adoption method will you pursue?
In the U.S., there are three main routes to adopting a child: via the foster care system, a domestic or independent agency, or an international agency. The best choice for you will depend on your personal, legal, and financial circumstances.

4. How will you talk to your child about their adoption?
Finding the right approach to discuss your childโ€™s adoption with them can be tough to navigate. Vikki Leung Rubens advises being open and honest. โ€œWe were willing and proactive in starting these conversations and navigating the grief at different stages of childhood appropriately,โ€ she told Mom.com.

How to decide if adoption is right for you

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Know your reasons for adoption โ€” and your limits. โ€œThis is a lifelong decision youโ€™re making,โ€ president and CEO of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption Rita Soronen told the New York Times. She emphasized that your limits arenโ€™t failures or judgments about you as a person. โ€œItโ€™s an honest personal assessment.โ€

5. If you are partnered, are you on the same page?
You and your partner need to be in agreement when it comes to your future child. โ€œWhen my husband and I decided to adopt, we considered costs, the different available programs, and what type of special or medical needs we’d be able to handle,โ€ Jill Robbins told Mom.com.

6. Is it important for your child to be a newborn? Are you open to older children? Will you consider sibling groups?
While there is nothing with wanting a newborn, know that the average age of children eligible for adoption in foster care is 7.7 years old and about two-thirds of the more than 400,000 children in foster care also have a sibling in foster care.

โ€œIf you’re considering adopting an older child or teen, learn as much as you can about trauma,โ€ Amanda Jettรฉ Knox told Mom.com. She and her wife adopted one of their teenaged daughterโ€™s friends after fostering her for two years. โ€œThey’ve often spent years in difficult situations and need support in healing from that.โ€

7. Is your lifestyle and home conducive to children with special needs? What about infants prenatally exposed to alcohol or drugs?
About half of the 134,000 children categorized as special needs in the foster care system have a developmental disability. Former foster parent Katherine Shorter advised, โ€œKnow what you’re dealing with and be firm with what youโ€™re willing to accept because you can cause further harm if you take in a child you cannot care for.โ€

8. If you adopt transracially or transculturally, are you willing to do the work?
If you are matched with a child of a different race or cultural background, are you prepared to do the work of unlearning and learning about creating interracial and intercultural families?

9. How much contact between your child and their birth family are you comfortable with?
In the U.S., 60% to 70% of adoptions are open adoptions, where the biological and adoptive families have varying levels of contact and access to personal information. For more information on post-adoption contracts, check out the Child Welfare Information Gateway (CWIG).

10. If you have other children, how do they feel?
If you have other kids, discuss and answer questions about the adoption process. Give them room and space for their feelings.

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Depending on your state and what kind of adoption method you pursue, your legal and financial requirements will vary and can take 3 to 6 months to complete.

11. What are the requirements for child adoption?
Some of the requirements for prospective adoptive parents include:

  • Home visits by case workers
  • Health exams
  • Proof of income and health coverage
  • Criminal history checks
  • References from friends or family

For more details, refer to the resources like the CWIG and Creating a Family

12. How much does it cost to adopt a child?
According to CWIG, your costs will depend on whether you adopt via:

  • Foster care system (varies by state, financial assistance)
  • Agency adoption ($20,000 to $45,000)
  • Independent adoption ($15,000 to $40,000)
  • International adoption ($20,000 to $50,000)

This doesnโ€™t include any variable medical, legal, and living expenses incurred or the costs of whatever adoption professional you use. For financial assistance, consider organizations like Help Us Adopt.

13. If you are a single, unmarried, and LGBTQIA+ and want to adopt
Some states allow state welfare agencies to legally discriminate against prospective parents on the basis of religion, making it difficult for single, unmarried couples or LGBTQIA folks. To help, the Human Rights Campaign has a database of nondiscriminatory agencies and the LGBT Bar Associationโ€™s Family Law Institute has a directory of lawyers committed to diversity.

โ€œWe based our search for agencies on whether they were LGBTQ-friendly,โ€ Stephanie D. and Rashmee P. told Mom.com. Stephanie cautioned that they experienced several failed connections, losing a lot of money. โ€œI strongly recommend working with a licensed agency from the jump. It will likely cost more up front, but for good reason.โ€