Lighting the Flame—Again
Have you just waved goodbye to your last child? If so, be warned: When you look around that seemingly-desolate house, your husband is still around somewhere! Whether you’re just embarking on the empty-nest journey or you’ve been struggling to settle in, it’s time to shift attention to your marriage and foster a stronger bond with your spouse. Reignite romance, reestablish intimacy and realize that this time is all about you two.
Communicate
It’s time to open the lines of communication again. Ask where your spouse is at, and how he’s handling the newness you’re both feeling. “Talk to one another about what you’re experiencing,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Mary Kay Cocharo. “Although kids are supposed to grow up and move away, you might be experiencing it as a loss. Men and women grieve losses differently. Be curious about your partner’s experience and feelings.”
Go on a Marriage Retreat
It’s a new phase of your marriage, and you shouldn’t expect to instantly know how to live together post-children. It’s OK to enlist help. “Go on a marriage retreat,” says intimacy expert and psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini. “When the kids are gone, marriage dynamics can fail. You need to rebuild." Try WinShape Retreat, Gottman Retreats or Marriage Boot Camp.
Create a Vision
Get out your pens and paper, and put on your thinking caps. “Write down three areas that you want to expand or improve upon,” Rapini says. “Exchange lists, and then choose two as a couple. That becomes your marital vision for the next year.”
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Tackle the Bucket List
Do you have a bucket list? Start one—and work on finishing it as a couple. “Make a list of things you’ve always wanted to do, and share it with your partner,” says Cocharo. “Now’s a good time to go out and experience some of the dreams that kids have kept you from.”
RELATED: Emotionally Readying Yourself for When Your Kid Leaves
Do the Little Things Again
Time to get back out on the dating scene! But this time, the pressure’s off—you’ve already nabbed the guy. You’re just getting to know him again. “Set time aside to be together,” Cocharo says. “Make a regular date night, plan a weekend away, stay in bed on the weekend.” Stress regularity, not the details. Just being together is the key. “Mini-golf. Bowling. Cheap dates are fine," says Rapini. "Just go out.”
Work on Intimacy
Dedicate one-on-one time with your spouse. Eat dinner as you look at each other across the table, not as you look at the TV. “You need 15 minutes of eye-to-eye contact every day,” says Rapini. “You’re getting to know each other again. This reestablishes intimacy.”
Redo Your Bedroom
Reigniting the flame means redoing your home to inspire this new empty-nest phase. And if you don’t have the time to do the entire house, just start in the bedroom. “Put emphasis on the marital bed,” Rapini says. “You want a new environment. It is now sacred.”
Make Time for Sex
“Sensual and sexual intimacy connects couples at a deep level and releases hormones that help you stay young,” says Cocharo. Don’t be afraid to pencil sex in, either. It’s doesn’t mean you’re not spontaneous enough: “People who schedule sex have it,” Rapini says. “If they don’t, they won’t. Sex is so good for the immune system. Orgasms are good for you, just like exercise.”
Go to Bed
Wait for your spouse to finish up that extra 10 minutes of work on his laptop, and then head upstairs at the same time instead of individually. “Go to bed together more nights than not,” Rapini says, also suggesting you snuggle up. “The skin-to-skin contact is good for emotional health and that feeling of security.”
Go out With Friends
Go out with other couples. Want to remember why you fell in love with him? Watching your husband interact with the other guys in your circle of friends will work wonders. “Seeing your partner through the eyes of others makes you feel proud to be with him, and reminds you of why you’re still together,” Cocharo says.
Give Back
Now that you actually have some extra time, donate some of it: “Find a hobby or project you can do together,” says Cocharo. “At this time of life, couples are frequently in a good place to give back to the community. Find a common value, and work together to make a difference.”
Let the Kids Fly
Your kids are gone. You’ve done your job. They know you’ll always be there for them back home, no matter where they land. But you have to truly let go. “Let your spouse become your focus now, not your kids,” says Rapini. “This is your time.”
So go ahead, fall in love. Again.
