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The engraved envelope looks like a wedding invitation, but it’s addressed to your middle school daughter. She opens it and announces she’s been invited to a bat mitzvah — and from the look of the invite, it’s going to be a fancy one. So, now you’re wondering: What is an appropriate gift to bring to a bar or bat mitzvah?
If you live in a community with a large Jewish population, you should be forewarned: This invitation is just the first of many your child will receive this year, as each of her friends turns the magic age of 12 or 13.
Bar and bat mitzvah: the Jewish rite of passage explained
The Hebrew word “mitzvah” translates to “a commandment” or “good deed.” “Bat” is Hebrew for “daughter,” while “bar” comes from ancient Aramaic, meaning “son.”
Boys and girls are able to fully participate as adults in Jewish traditions at puberty, roughly at age 13 for boys and 12 or 13 for girls. The bar mitzvah ceremony, held shortly after a boy’s 13th birthday, dates back to the Middle Ages.
A form of bat mitzvah was offered in Germany
“A form of bat mitzvah was offered in Germany beginning in 1814, then in the Balkans and Italy by the mid-1800s, in Cairo by 1907, and in the United States in 1921,” Rabbi Goldie Migram writes in Reclaiming Bar/Bat Mitzvah: as a Spiritual Rite of Passage. “A number of countries have just begun to understand the importance of celebrating the commitment across the full spectrum of gender; the Jewish community in Romania has only just adopted bat mitzvah.”
In the United States, a bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah ceremony usually takes place at the synagogue during a regular Saturday morning Shabbat (Sabbath) service, although some congregations hold them on Friday night or Saturday afternoon. The honoree is called to the bima (pulpit) to read from the Torah and Haftorah. The bat mitzvah ceremony for girls is generally the same as the one for boys in Reform and Conservative congregations. However, more Orthodox congregations (and some Conservative ones) prohibit women from the Torah reading if there is a minyan (quorum) of men present.
Receptions following the ceremony can range from a simple luncheon in the synagogue’s multipurpose room to an elaborate evening party at a fancy restaurant or hotel.
Bar/bat mitzvah gifting traditions
I always give money for bar and bat mitzvah gifts (and at Jewish weddings, too). Cash is a perfectly acceptable option: it’s easy, and always appreciated by the recipient. In Jewish tradition, monetary gifts are offered in multiples of 18 — so if you’re thinking of giving $30, you should round it up to $36 (or $54 or $72).
“In terms of why $18 or $36: In Jewish tradition, the number 18 signifies ‘life,’” Rabbi Jill Zimmerman explained to Mom.com. “Therefore many people give gifts in multiples of 18 as good luck or wishing for a long life.”
Donating to charity is another tradition near and dear to Jewish hearts, as it fulfills the mitzvah of tikkun olam (healing the world). Many synagogues encourage young people to take on a charity project as part of their mitzvah preparation, and most Jewish households habitually place their loose change in a tzedakah box for charity.
Other traditional gifts include books, Judaica, and jewelry.
Gift ideas for bar and bat mitzvahs
Rabbi Zimmerman asked members of her network what they suggested as gifts for bar and bat Mitzvahs. They did not disappoint. Here are some gift suggestions straight from the congregation.
Monetary gifts
“I think cash is best. The amount you give depends on where you live. In the NY area, if you go to the party, (adults) $100 or more. For kids, $36 to $54. Also depends on your relationship to the family.”
“My son just had his. He mostly received checks and gift cards. His favorite gift was 36 fresh dollar bills in sequential numbers, fresh from the bank!”
“Cash can be deposited. I like to give gift cards to a store that the b-mitzvah likes. And that shows that I have a clue as to who they are and what their interests are (if I do).”
Charity
“I stole a fantastic idea from my sister — giving an additional check to the bar/bat mitzvah for $36 with the pay-to line left blank and the request that they make it out to their favorite charity.”
“I've given Judaica items, Israel bonds, or a donation to the bar/bat mitzvah's mitzvah project in their honor.”
“My go-to is a Kiva gift card, which I first learned about when my daughter got one for her bat mitzvah. They have a chance to engage in tikkun olam and then, eventually, to cash in and get the money for themselves.”
Judaica
“For kids who we are really close with, I’ve also given them a yad a couple of weekends before their service, so they can practice with it beforehand and use it during their service. My daughter is obsessed with the yad she was given at her bat mitzvah. It’s her favorite piece of Judaica.”
“One of my daughters was given the gift of making her own tallit with an adult friend and another daughter was given a yad by a Jewish educator close to her. Those were memorable to me.”
If you decide to go the Judaica route, a good place to start is the bar or bat mitzvah’s synagogue. Many have gift shops with profits that go to the congregation, and the staff will be happy to help you select something appropriate.
There are also several options online, on Amazon, and on Etsy.
