It feels like week after week, I have conversations with my girlfriends and fellow moms on how much burden this pandemic has placed on mothers. Whether you’re working from home or a stay-at-home mom, you're what I like to call the Director of Everything. You have likely had to pick up all the extra tasks like home-schooling and short-order cooking, all while balancing your previous workload. I’m not ashamed to admit that I have literally hidden from my kids just to get a break. Though I have loved the extra family time, it feels like the plate is more than full and the weight needs to be distributed more evenly.
A recent study by The New York Times found 70% of women say they’re fully or mostly responsible for housework during lockdown, and 66% the same for childcare — roughly the same shares as in pre-pandemic times. And in families with children under 12, about 80% of women say they do most or all of the housework and oversee homeschooling, and 70% say they do most of the childcare. Less than a third of men in these households say they are mostly or fully responsible for child care.
So let’s talk about gender roles, shall we? I remember a not-so-long-ago time when “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus” was a phrase that was so commonly used to divide males and females, we were subconsciously trained to believe that the sexes were meant for and capable of two very different things. For decades, men were (and still are) depicted as the strong, able-bodied workers — the ones who brought home the bacon while women stayed home to keep the house in order and actually prepare this so-called bacon for everyone to eat.
When it comes to parenting, gender roles and division is still very much a normalized concept through the “Mom and Dad” lens. If you’re like me, you might find it hard to imagine a world where undoing gender roles in the family dynamic is even possible, but it is, and it starts at home with you and your partner.
Gender roles in the media
To begin the process of undoing gender roles, let’s take a closer look at why they still even exist. We all know that gender stereotypes date back centuries, but nowadays they're being presented to us in a less-direct manner. From mass media messaging that continues to showcase women as the delicate housewives to the flashy, pink-themed commercials that promote products specifically for mothers – our society continues to subconsciously train the moms and dads of the world that there is a one-size-fits-all formula when it comes to being a family.
When was the last time you saw a man in an advertisement for a kitchen product? When was the last time you saw a commercial where a woman comes home from work in her new car, only to be greeted by her husband and children at the door? It is because of these subconscious micro-normalities in the media that we, whether we know it or not, begin to accept the gender roles created for us. While we can not change the way gender roles are presented to us in the media, we can actively refuse to fall for it. Next time we see an advertisement that is gendered, instead of ignoring it, recognize it and have a healthy discussion with your partner about why this kind of messaging can be damaging to the family dynamic.
The pandemic and gender roles
According to Medical News Today, women typically take on more housework than men. In 2010, women took on 1.6 times as much housework as men, while this rate increased to 1.7 times for married women and 1.9 times for mothers. The pandemic, however, has impacted the way parents look at gender roles and housework.
With 41.8% of the American job force working from home since COVID-19 began, a microscope has been put onto what it really means to be a paternal figure and a maternal figure. The idea of men going to work while women stay at home with the kids is now a part of yesteryear. Now fathers and mothers are both at home with the kids while trying to find time to work. But how much have these changes actually impacted our gender roles? Not enough, unfortunately.
According to the same study, researchers found that despite the disruption to traditional work, home-life patterns, and outsourced childcare, women did most or all of the childcare in 36.6% of the couples. This proves once again that these gender roles are so hard to break, not even a pandemic can disrupt them.
Undoing gender roles: Where to begin
A great way to start undoing gender roles is to have a conversation with your partner about leaning into your skill set vs. the implied gender roles and plan your parenting tasks accordingly. I often find that, whether it’s subconscious or not, many of the hands-on parenting duties tend to fall on the mother. If the man of the house is a great cook, why should the meal preparation be assigned to Mom? Have a healthy discussion with your husband about what you believe to be your best skills and divide up your tasks from there. I often find if you lead with a compliment, you will find your partner’s guard will go down. You will also empower your partner by letting them know you trust them to lead this activity or task.
With that being said, many mothers tend to feel a sense of shame when they are not the ones taking on the classic, maternal jobs, as if all parts of mothering or parenting should be natural to every woman. If you’re one of those types, ask yourself why you are feeling this way. Acknowledge that your feelings stem from decades of gendered education and allow yourself to let go of that shame so that you and your partner can lift each other up and make parenting a more positive, custom-to-your-needs experience.
Let me give you an example. I can crush it in certain types of math, but if you ask me to do some algebra, I struggle. The same goes with mothering — you might kill it at the infant stage or you might be more of a toddler mom like me. The fact is that not every part of parenthood is going to be easy for you and there’s no shame in that.
Another helpful approach might be alternating days based on each parent's daily schedule. Go through your work weeks together and decide which days are busiest for you both individually. From there, you can decide which day Dad is in charge of the kids and which days Mom is. While it might not work immediately, I have found that this is a great tactic for my family.
Teach and learn
The concept of gender roles is so entrenched in our society that the only way to truly undo them is to teach the next generation. In doing so, you and your partner can continue to learn about gender stereotypes along the way. Start by setting a physical example for your children. Let them observe you and their father taking on your respective tasks. You’d be surprised how much toddlers remember from before they can even speak. Children do, in fact, notice who does the dishes every night and who is working on the computer more often, so let them learn by example.
And when they get old enough, have open conversations about your respective house chores and careers. Avoid any commentary about one working more than the other, and showcase both your jobs (whatever they may be) in the same spotlight.
Parents can also find ways to teach their children about gender as a construct, incorporating the pronouns they/them into your daily speech, so that when they are old enough they won’t be caught off-guard when they meet non-binary people. Now is the time to not only undo gender roles but to teach our children about the wide variety of genders in our world that is so much more than just man and woman. While we teach our children these concepts, we are also actively undoing the learnings from our own childhoods that, whether we know it or not, might still be subconsciously a part of who we are and affect our decision-making.
Let’s be real — men aren’t from Mars, women aren’t from Venus… we’re all from planet Earth. We are more than capable of the same duties around the house, as a parent and in the workforce — despite what the media tell us on a daily basis and what centuries of unwritten rules want us to believe.
It’s time to make it the norm to have consistent conversations with our partners and discuss our roles in the family and how we can improve the balance. Let’s teach our children about what our roles as a mother and father are, leading by example so that we can undo gender roles in our own family today in hopes of a gender-neutral, more equal tomorrow.
