Teaching Your Child How to Share

Don't expect your child to share something that’s very important to him. That may be asking too much. In fact, before a friend comes over, put away the Luke Skywalker light saber. You’ll have plenty of other opportunities to help your child practice sharing during the playdate. Plus, it shows your child that you consider his desires and not just the other child’s wishes.

Don’t push your child to share too well, too quickly or too often. I know we’re all afraid that if our child doesn’t learn this lesson right now, she’ll never learn to share. But keep in mind that your child will have many opportunities to learn to share, both with you and in other social situations.

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When your child doesn’t want to share or take turns, give her a time limit so she knows how long she has to go without the beloved object. Say something like, “I’m going to count to 10, then you’ll get a turn with the red crayon.” She’ll be able to hear time progressing as you count, and then once she’s waited, you can praise her and point out that she was able to delay gratification.

Instead of demanding that your child share, enlist her in the problem-solving process: "Kelly also wants to swing right now. What should we do about that? Do you have any ideas?" It’s amazing how often children can come up with a good solution if we aren’t forcing them.

If your child still resists sharing or taking turns, she might be willing to make a different sacrifice or find something else fun for the other child. As long as she’s considering the feelings and desires of the other child, it’s still a win in terms of character development.

Keep in mind that children make associations from all of their experiences. If we ask them to share at a time when they are really tired or having a hard time, and the meltdown ensues, sharing will become a very negative experience for them. Try to encourage sharing at times when your child is happy and handling himself well. That will create a positive experience with sharing that you can praise.

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It’s OK to sometimes say to another child or parent, “She’s not feeling like sharing the hula hoop today.” After all, along with teaching your child to share, another important skill she needs to learn is to take care of herself and stand up for what’s important to her. So don’t rigidly expect her to sacrifice and give in every time.

Just because you don’t ask her to share all the time doesn’t mean she’ll grow up spoiled and entitled. This can be an opportunity for her to learn how to respectfully assert herself.

I noticed long ago that I don’t parent nearly as well when I’m worried about what the parents around me think of how I’m handling my kids. And when a sharing issue comes up, most likely there are other parents around.

So one of the best things you can do, if you need to talk to your child about, for instance, sharing a sand toy at the park, is to pull him aside and talk to him where no one else can hear. That way, you can handle the situation in the way you think is best for your own child.

If you grab a toy out of your child’s hand in order to share with another child, you are modeling that behavior. And we probably don’t want our children to sacrifice all the time in order to make others happy. We want them to consider the feelings of others, and remain aware of their own desires as well. Finding a way to honor both is going to lead to the best outcome for everyone.

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