In the summer of 2019, which seems like a lifetime ago, my husband’s great-aunt Frances passed away. It was not an unexpected passing. She was 96 and suffering from dementia. By the time we had our daughter, Alyssa, Aunt Frances was pretty far gone. She had only met her a few times before her passing.
The funeral was very small, with some local relatives and the three of us. Alyssa was four at the time, and she had a lot of questions about the coffin, the fake grass around it, and the headstones. As a person who believes that being honest about death is the best way to approach it, I explained what I could without going into too much detail. The service was quick and we went home. My daughter didn’t talk about it anymore, and was much more interested in getting to go to McDonald's for dinner.
Fast-forward a few days. I came into her room to put away some laundry, and she excitedly showed me a group of dolls and stuffed animals gathered around a shoe box.
“Look, Mom, he’s died”
She lifted the lid to reveal a Buzz Lightyear action figure.
My brain buzzed anxiously, letting off warning bells and waving red flags. This is weird! my mind shouted. You shouldn’t have explained so much! Now your kid is gonna grow up like Wednesday Addams!
“Mom, play with me!” She took my hand and pulled me down.
“Uh, don’t you want to play something else? C’mon, let’s do a round of Chutes and Ladders.”
This derailed her for a while, but she kept coming back to her makeshift funeral. Finally, I gave in. If we were gonna play funeral, we were gonna play funeral.
She designated her piggy bank to be Pastor Pork, who would preside over the ceremony. She picked out a Barbie for Buzz’s wife and some dogs and cats to mourn him. And then we went through the whole thing, playing different parts.
It was super weird, not gonna lie
There were some funny parts, and we both laughed a lot. But it felt… good, somehow. At the end, all of the folks at the wake danced to “I Whip My Hair” and that was that. She was done playing, and could move on.
It turns out that following my instincts was the right call. Children actually use pretend play to work through confusing or scary situations. They can role-play through things that make them nervous, and suss out their feelings about the subject or event. It actually makes total sense for a kid who just attended a funeral to want to "play funeral." Kids might want to play pretend games about heavy subjects like death, illness, accidents, and even COVID-19. This is normal, and actually beneficial for them.
It’s also a good way to take your child’s emotional temperature
If you’re like me, and think that a child is too young to understand a situation, but then ends up wanting to play through a similar scenario, that’s a very good indication that they did understand (at least somewhat) what was going on and may have questions or confusing feelings about it.
It’s time to “play it out,” and then debrief with your child by asking questions about thoughts and feelings. Take advantage of the situation instead of trying to get them to play something else. Play is an excellent tool for communication, so keep an open mind. I’m glad I did, as much as I felt like Morticia Addams letting Wednesday have her way.
