Believe it or not, happiness wasn’t always a parenting goal. If you go back to the not-so-distant past — aka the “children are to be seen and not heard” days — most parents just wanted their kid to stay alive long enough to get to work and contribute economically. But for 21st-century parents, the stakes are higher and the goal much more elusive.
By and large, we want kids who are fulfilled and content, who have self-esteem, who are competent and confident and capable. It’s just that we don’t always know, or agree on, how to get them there. In fact, sometimes our well-intended efforts do just the opposite.
Mom.com spoke with five different parenting experts about the things — big or small — that can help get our kids on the path to happiness. Here’s what they had to say.
Acknowledge that everything you know is wrong
“The first thing you should do to make your kids happy is to flip everything,” said Michelle Borba, author of UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. “Because everything we now know, what science says about making kids happy, is not what we are doing.”
Stop giving them everything
“Kids are happier when they give to others, not when they get for themselves,” Borba said. Giving them the opportunity to look outside of themselves helps put what they have into perspective. Giving back also offers kids the opportunity to experience the joy in seeing someone else light up because of something they did.
Let them do it for themselves
“They’re happier when they know how to do for themselves,” Borba said. Basically, it’s OK to give kids a little more independence as they get bigger. “At age 2, you’re going to do things for them — but you can start stepping back as they get older,” she added. As kids grow, it’s less about maintaining control, and more about being a counselor, coach, or guide.
Unschedule a little
“Look at your kid’s schedule and ask, Is there anything we can drop?” Borba said. Kids need time for cloud gazing and looking at the grass outside.
Hit your own pause button
It could also be that you’re stressed, Borba said. “You feel like an Uber driving them everywhere. Is there anything you can cut? Is there one way that you don’t have to feel like Martha Stewart, so you can just enjoy?”
Make time for others
“When are you happiest? When you’re with others,” Borba said. “So, make sure your child has opportunities to connect in real time with peers so he can practice social skills.”
Collaborate on the rules
Writer, editor, and advocate Sara Gilliam co-authored (along with her mother) the 25th anniversary edition of the seminal book Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls — which is to say, she knows a thing or two about today’s teen girls and their fraught relationship with social media and smartphones. As much as possible, she said, it helps to approach conversations around things like screen time collaboratively.
“Instead of handing down rules — no phones after 7 p.m.! — invite children to share their own ideas of best practices and aim to meet in the middle. A little democratic parenting goes a long way toward empowering children to make their own good decisions.”
Find the 'just right' solution for each child
“The teen years are, of course, challenging for nearly every child and family,” Gilliam said. “But yes, happiness is possible … with intentionality.” The exact solutions look a little different for each family and even each child.
“When my older brother’s relationship with my parents felt frayed, my mom began a practice of weekly breakfasts with him,” Gilliam said. “At 7:30 a.m., they’d go out for cheap pancakes and conversation away from home (and his pesky little sister).”
“I, on the other hand, needed to feel trusted,” she added. “I might have asked for a later curfew in exchange for better communication about where I was and who I was with.”
Quality time is key
“In general, when I think about raising happy kids, two things come to mind: unconditional love and quality time,” said Rayma Griffin, of Understood.org, who has worked on behalf of kids with learning and attention issues for more than 40 years. “Those are the things that all kids need. It helps them feel secure. Undivided attention, at some point, makes them feel special.”
Bedtime is quality time that can be part of a regular routine — especially when it involves stories, she said.
“It’s an opportunity for parent and child to connect physically, to have a soothing end to the day. When you’re aware of your child’s emotional issue or learning issue, you can choose books with appropriate themes. It gives you the opportunity to ask questions and talk with the child,” she added. “Reading together also helps with vocabulary and comprehension, while touching base to see where they are.”
Get outside
“For kids who may have attention issues and a whole lot of energy to burn off — get outside,” Griffin said. “Go for a walk, have a water balloon fight, give them an opportunity to spend the energy and channel it. It’s a positive way to use up some of their energy. You get on their level and play with them; it engages them in a different way.”
Play to their strengths
“For all parents, but especially for kids with learning and attention issues, who may also lack confidence and self-esteem, identify a particular strength and make ways to showcase it,” Griffin said. “That’s awesome for kids. Give them specific feedback. Praise them for what they did in a specific and positive way. It only takes a little bit at a time before it becomes part of the child’s mantra. The more you give external praise, it becomes their internal voice.”
Don't forget the basic needs
Sometimes it’s not all that complicated. Dr. Jacqueline Winkelmann — aka Dr. Jacq — is a pediatrician who also specializes in sports nutrition. For the parents of young athletes, she suggests a back-to-basics approach.
“As parents of young athletes, we spend so much time and money on league fees, equipment, and coaching — we need to make it count,” Dr. Jacq explained. “Feeding your young athletes the right foods at the right time is key for their success on and off the field. Just as important as food, rest and recovery are essential to athletic success and injury prevention. Make sure your child is getting enough sleep!”
Check yourself
“Everything depends on what we bring to the interaction,” said Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. “Every parent knows this. If you’re in a bad mood, what unfolds with your kid is going to be tense, they’re going to act out to get your attention, they’re going to be anxious, they’ll begin to echo your tone of voice with a sibling. Your ability to monitor your own moods and self-regulate is, after keeping them safe and fed, your most important responsibility.”
“I always say, it all starts with you,” she added. “When you’re in an emotionally generous mood, everything changes: You’re patient, you’re warm, you’re giving, and your kid blossoms with that kind of attention. You have a sense of humor, so you have a lighter touch with everything. You can get them laughing and the whole tone changes.”
Rethink 'consequences'
“Everyone thinks that there is some perfect answer about the right, for lack of a better word, ‘consequence.’ But the research shows, that is completely not useful. The right answer is always to coach the child,” Markham said.
“Coaching has several components. Emotion-coaching. Emotion causes behavior. Maybe they need help with their emotions in order to stop acting out. Repair. It is not a consequence but taking responsibility for their actions. Parents need to know that repair is not just an alternative to consequences — it’s a more effective approach to helping the child redeem themselves and feel better about themselves. And another thing is setting up an environment in which they thrive. Maybe they’re in a bad mood in the morning because they are not going to bed early enough. Maybe they are rushing through homework because finishing means they can play a video game. Setting up the environment so a child can thrive results in fewer power struggles.”
Focus on your relationship
“The only control we have with our children is our influence with them, and that comes from our relationship,” Markham said. “We think we can control our child, but we can’t. Trying to control them puts us in an adversarial relationship.”
“It’s all about the connection,” she added. “That’s the only reason they follow our lead. This is so much more effective in getting the behavior we want than threatening, bribing, or yelling.”
Just … ask them
You can read a stack of parenting books, or you can sit down with your kid and ask: When are you the happiest? “You’ll be surprised,” Borba said, by how often it’s the simple, little, no-cost things that mean so much, and how the big-ticket items pale in comparison to time spent and connection.
It’s doing with your child — not for them, she said.
