Parents always hear about the vital importance of being present for their baby and toddler’s formative years, which makes sense, but how come no one ever warns you about the tween/teen years? These adolescent years have presented numerous high-stakes challenges that I need to help my kids navigate, and I’ve been a bit shocked to learn that the older they get, the more they truly need me.
When kids are young, playtime, bath time and bonding are priceless moments and memories, and as parents, you feel like you have forever and a day to cuddle and kiss them and their baby toes. As my kids grow up, I feel more like it’s a race against time that is moving more quickly than ever. The sand in the hourglass is slipping through at a rapid pace, and I am unable to flip it over and start again.
I’m no longer teaching my kids letters, shapes, colors, and numbers
The days of finger-painting, fashioning Play-Doh into flowers, saying “Wheee!” while pushing them on the swing at the park, and baking cookies are long gone. Now we are crying at the kitchen table over unsolvable algebra, winding our way through depression, anxiety, and how to handle the bullies at their schools, crossing our fingers that they make the soccer team, and trying to maintain their self-esteem in an increasingly difficult peer dynamic and social construct.
The wordless tantrums of yesteryear have turned into emotionally charged, hormone-fueled tirades that they have so much language for. You can no longer physically pick them up and move them to a cushioned location or fit them safely in your arms when they’re spinning out of control. Now you listen, more often than not feeling helpless that you can’t make all their pain and anguish disappear by distracting them with a lollipop or an episode of Elmo’s World or by making that funny face that always used to make them laugh.
Parenting an older child comes with the realization that you’re a witness to the blossoming of a human you may have given birth to...
…but who is now tasked with birthing themself. We all know how hard labor can be, so mothering an adolescent is like being a caring doula who has to cheer and comfort from the sidelines through painful transitions.
It’s fitting that the word “adolescence” comes from the Latin word adolescere, which means “to ripen” or “to grow up.” Just like we have no control over the ripening of fruit, we simply have to become graceful observers of how our kids ripen in their own time.
Raising older kids is akin to metaphorically filling a backpack with everything you think they’ll need for a camping trip – but the trip is their journey into real life. It’s like preparing to wave goodbye to your sailor as their ship pulls away from the shore, and you’re not sure when you’ll see them again. You need to send them off with as much love, wisdom, and preparation as you can muster, so you teach them how to cook pasta, how to understand relationships, how to use a hammer and drill, and which deodorant to use.
At the end of the day, all we can do is hope for the best
For some inexplicable reason, the older your kids get, the faster the clock ticks – which is why it’s become more important than ever to make every moment count.
