Watch Your Tone
It’s hard to find the right way to talk to your preadolescent daughter, especially since there are so many wrong ways to do it. You can’t come across as too serious, too motherly or too “sincere.” (Ugh, mom!) One rule of thumb is that a light tone is often effective with tweens. Don’t be glib about a serious subject, obviously, but as much as possible, maintain a light and upbeat conversational tone.
Earn Her Trust
As with anyone important in your life, trust is crucial in your relationship with your preteen. If your daughter thinks you’ll tell people what she divulges to you, she’s not going to talk to you about the issues most important to her. So prove to her that she can count on your discretion. Good communication requires trust as a foundation.
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Don't Minimize
Be careful not to discount your daughter’s feelings. If she says she’s not pretty, you may be tempted to say, “Oh, that’s not true.” Resist this temptation. Instead, listen. Then, afterwards you can still respond, but do it in a way that acknowledges the validity of her feelings as well: "I know you don’t feel pretty right now, and I felt awkward at your age, too. What is it that you’re not feeling great about?"
Don't Overreact
There’s a decent chance that if your daughter opens up, you’ll hear something you don’t like. When it happens, remain neutral, in control. If you don’t, she’ll stop telling you things. Later on, you can go to her and diplomatically say something like, “I want to mention something you may not have thought of.” But foremost, listen and avoid preaching, showing you hear her and that you’re on her side no matter what.
Ask Her Advice
Talk to your daughter about an upcoming decision you need to make. Don’t burden her with anything too serious or scary, but find something you’re trying to make a decision about, and have her help you with it. Being asked for advice will often make a person want to talk. Plus, it will show her that you value how she thinks about things and the mutual respect part of your relationship.
Surprise Her
Give your daughter something small and unexpected to let her know you're thinking about her and that you think she's great. Maybe a trinket, a well-timed text or a note under her pillow. A “just because” gesture. Don’t make it about money, and don’t buy anything too nice. Just emphasize how much you care. It’ll deepen the connection between you and open up the possibility for better communication.
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Read the Same Book
Find an especially suspenseful or dramatic story—one that has plenty of “Can you believe it?!” moments—and read it together. Maybe even invite a few of her friends and their mothers to join you for a low-pressure book club.
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Exchange Messages
Get a notebook and write your daughter a brief letter, leaving it on her bed for her to write you back. Then she can write a note and leave the notebook on your bed. It might be about feelings, or maybe it’s a joke or a question to be answered. Just keep communicating.
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Plan an Activity Together
Whether it’s a game of tennis, working on a school project, taking a walk or making cookies for a class party, find something to do where you’re simply together. Often, a girl this age will be more willing to share about her life if she’s not sitting across a table staring into your eyes.
Don't Over-Talk
If your daughter wants to engage in a long conversation with you, great. Enjoy it. But under most circumstances, when you need to address something serious, be quick and to the point, then move on to something else. Lectures aren’t likely to make her want to listen to you more.
