How to Talk to Your Tween Boy

Attitude. Moodiness. An emerging desire for autonomy. A growing connection to friends that appears to coincide with a decreasing connection to parents. Any of that sound familiar? If you have a son who’s a tween—a 9- to 12-year-old—then chances are at least some of that rings a bell. And most likely, one of the challenges you’re facing at the moment is how to talk to your no-longer-a-child but not-yet-a-teenager son. Here are some suggestions.

When things go well between you and your tween, don’t assume that one good talk is enough. Keep the lines of communication open, and watch for more opportunities. Make yourself available to talk when he initiates conversation. The more you and your son talk, the more the conversations will improve with practice and experience.

Certain situations provide a recipe for disaster when trying to talk to your preadolescent son. If he’s overly tired, or if he’s upset about something else (like fighting with a sibling or losing an important game), it may not be the best time to initiate a conversation. You know your son well, and if you can see that he’s definitely not interested in talking right now, then wait for a more opportune time.

That being said…

Here are some words you’re probably never going to hear emerge from your preteen son’s mouth: “Mom, I’d like to initiate a meaningful and momentous conversation with you.” (Good luck with that.) Instead, you have to find times to talk. Yes, you have to avoid minefields when he’s not ready to share, but, aside from that, be ready to take advantage of any possible opening you see.

For example…

Ask your son questions about the activities he’s interested in: "Who’s the bad guy in that book you’re reading?" or "How do you remember all the chords in that song?" Even if the subject doesn’t totally fascinate you, ask about it and use it as a conversational bridge that joins you.

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Let him be the teacher, and you be the student: "Why was that runner out, even though nobody tagged him?" "What are plate tectonics again?" (If you’re like me, there’s plenty he’s learning that you don’t know, or have forgotten.) By allowing him to be an authority on a subject, you're inviting him to open up and share with you in ways he might otherwise not.

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People often connect when they are out of their comfort zones. So visit a ropes course together, or take on a project that will push you both. You don’t want to create extra frustration that becomes an obstacle between you, but if you can find a way to face a challenge and overcome it together, it can create the kind of connection that gives you plenty to talk about.

Sometimes you’ll see a new side of your son when he’s around a friend. And he might see a new side of you as well. Plus, the friend is likely to dish on certain aspects of your son’s life you don’t know about, giving you future subjects to mine for conversation.

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Don’t give your son an out by asking, “Did you like the party?” Avoid yes-no questions, and instead be creative: "Did any of your friends do anything funny?" "Did anyone come that you didn’t expect?" Sure, you may have to throw a few hooks in the water before you get a nibble, but you’ll catch more fish if you leave your questions open-ended.

When your son does talk to you, avoid immediately judging. If you disagree with something he says, try to initially offer a neutral response. Let him know you’re listening, and considering his words and ideas. Then later, if you do need to disagree ("I want to mention something you might want to think about…"), he’ll be more open to hearing you. Preaching is rarely going to be the best approach with a tween (or probably anyone else).

Even if your son hurts your feelings with something he says, don’t cry and make him feel bad about it. There’s nothing wrong with telling him that you didn’t like what he said, but do so in a way that doesn’t cause him to pull away from you more and hide his feelings from you in the future. As much as possible, address issues with your son when you’re in a good place emotionally and can communicate in a way that’s welcoming, instead of blaming and judging.