How To Get Your Teen Girls To Open Up

If you have a teen girl or remember being one yourself, you know that it’s a time of great transition. Teenagers are changing — and even though they may need guidance, they don’t necessarily want that guidance to come from parents.

“They’re trying to figure things out for themselves,” said Dr. Ashok Shimoji-Krishnan, the child mental health lead for Kaiser Permanente’s Washington region. “Parents aren’t necessarily their go-to source.”

But how do parents navigate this tricky time and get their teen girls to open up? Parents still need to talk to and bond with their daughters, even though they’re teenagers.

Start talking to girls when they’re young

“It’s hard to kind of jump in with a teenager and start a dialogue if there’s no precedent for doing this before,” Dr. Shimoji-Krishnan told Mom.com. It’s best to start talking to your kids about what’s happening in their lives when they’re little. Let it evolve, so it’s something that comes naturally to them.

For mom of teen girls Deborah Cruz, communication and unconditional love has been the foundation of her relationship with her daughters.

“I had a tumultuous teen relationship with my mom and I knew I wanted something different with my girls,” Cruz told Mom.com. “I’ve been very open and transparent with them since birth. They ask questions and I’ve always answered as honestly — and age appropriately — as possible. I’ve asked them every single day of their talking lives, how their day has gone.”

But what if you haven’t laid that groundwork? How do you start a dialogue with your teenager?

Create situations where dialogue can flow easily

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If you want your teen to open up to you, don’t suddenly come at them demanding information, Dr. Shimoji-Krishnan said. Let your girls know that you are there to be an ally and an advocate for them.

“What I tell families is — instead of jumping in and talking about big important topics — you have to make it where you talk about not-important topics,” he said. Show an interest in what they’re doing, so they know you are interested in them on all levels. That way it doesn’t feel strange for them to come to you because you’ve already established a relationship.

Cruz has created an environment where she talks to her girls all the time. “It’s become second nature to ask and answer. They also know that they can tell me anything, and I will listen and answer thoughtfully. It’s a practice in patience and self-control but I’ve always known that parenting was a long game,” she said.

Encourage your girls to ask questions and keep in mind that just because teens ask about something doesn’t mean they’re engaging in it, Dr. Shimoji-Krishnan suggested.

“Or maybe they are engaging in it and want more information,” he said. Provide the information and let them know that you’re there to help. Keep in mind that you’re there to be their ally, not their friend. Friends tell you what you want to hear and an ally is someone who is on your side and has your best interests in mind.

Is there anything special you can do to get them to open up?

Sometimes it’s hard to start a dialogue at home because there are too many stressers there, like homework, chores, and siblings. They may feel trapped by a conversation in their room or in the car.

Dr. Shimoji-Krishnan suggests getting out of the house. Go get ice cream, or go to a park and walk around. You’re also much less likely to get in a heated argument if you’re in public.

Listening and being patient is key.

“It’s not always easy and sometimes I react too quickly but, for the most part, they know I always come from a place of love,” Cruz said. “The thing that keeps the conversation going is that this all feels natural to them because its the way it’s always been.”

What if they just don’t want to talk to you

Dr. Shimoji-Krishnan often recommends that parents of teenage girls check in about common stressers, like social media, pressure at school, and relationships with friends.

If it seems like something is going on but your daughter doesn’t want to talk to you, there’s nothing wrong with seeking outside help. That help can be from a counselor at school or a family friend. You just want to be sure that you know and trust the adults in their life.