How to Meet Mom Friends

Diapers and day care and drama, oh my. There is a lot to think about at every stage of parenthood, and while you may rely on your partner to help shoulder the burden, sometimes you just need someone who can relate. That’s why “mommy friends” are so important, says parenting expert Leslie Morgan Steiner, who wrote the book Mommy Wars: Stay-At-Home and Career Moms Face off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families. “You can’t do motherhood alone,” she says. “Other mothers are the only people who really understand what you’re going through.” And while it might seem intimidating, making mommy friends can be easier than you think. Here’s how!

If you’re looking for mommy friends, go where the parents are—out shopping. Because, you know, kids need lots of stuff. And shopping with friends is always more fun. “I met this amazing woman while shopping for my newborn at Buy Buy Baby,” says Lyss Stern, author of If You Give a Mom a Martini: 100 Ways to Find 10 Blissful Minutes for Yourself. “We were comparing notes on our registries, then started talking and kept in touch. We wound up planning a lot of playdates at the park, and our kids will probably be friends forever."

One of the easiest ways to find fellow parents is by heading to the Web. Look up local mommy groups on Meetup.com or other parent-oriented sites. For example, says Stern, her group, Divalysscious Moms, “is an online, offline community. They can see the events we’re putting on, pick what resonates for them, connect with people online and then meet other moms in person.” A coordinated event can take the intimidation factor out of things thanks to ice breakers or friendly hosts like Stern, who’s happy to make introductions.

If your kid is in day care or school, that’s the best place to meet other parents. “You’re automatically thrown together through bake sales or school plays or after-school activities,” says Stern. “So get involved, and reach out when you can.” But don’t overextend. “Parenting is hard work as it is—don’t wear yourself out by taking on more than you can,” says Steiner.

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From prenatal yoga to your classic Lamaze, classes are a great way to find parents at a similar stage. “You’re all there for the same reason, so you’ll definitely relate. Confused? Ask one of the other moms!” says Stern. “Get a conversation going, ask when they’re due. Finding another parent who’ll have a kid around the same age will be a lifesaver.” And if you’re past pregnancy, there are still plenty of educational opportunities. “Mommy & Me classes are a great way for both your kid and you to socialize,” says Steiner. “But it can be anything—swim lessons, ballet, music and movement. There are so many different options out there these days, and it’s a great place to meet other parents.”

Just because you’re a working mom and she’s stay-at-home (or vice versa) doesn’t mean you can’t connect. “It’s important to reach out to moms who are different than you are,” says Steiner. “You’ll gravitate to people like you, but there’s so much to learn from others—and if you’re a working mom, the stay-at-homes may help the most, because they’re plugged in.” The caveat? “If she’s not friendly back,” says Steiner, “move on to the next. You’ve got too much on your plate without dealing with the mean moms out there.”

Yes, we know. Being a parent is exhausting. So why not get some fresh air with the tot—and while you’re at it, make a pal or two? “The first place you should go to meet new mommy friends is the park,” says Stern. “No matter what age your kid is, you’ll find parents at a similar stage there.” But while your kid is climbing the monkey bars or dare-deviling on the slide, make sure you’re not cozying up with your phone. “You’ll look unapproachable. Instead, try to chat and be friendly.” In the winter, Stern suggests finding indoor place spaces like the Y or even Gymboree.

Even if you start with one mommy pal, you can make more. “Make it a goal that every time you go to the park, you talk to one new mom,” says Steiner. “And once you’ve made a couple of pals, they’ll introduce you to others.”

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You have a great chat at the park with a like-minded mom, bond over breast-feeding fiascos and when to start solids. Then you hope for another run-in, but you never see her again. That’s why—although you should leave your phone in your bag—you shouldn't forget to get her digits. “When you make a solid connection, you want to be able to maintain it,” says Steiner. Intimidated? “Use your kid. Say, ‘It would be so great to get our kids together,’” says Steiner. And you can make it a group thing to take the pressure off, if you say you’ll have some moms over for coffee on the next rainy day. “One-on-ones can be scary, but groups are easier.”

Making mommy friends is like making friends on the first day of school—be open to everybody and see how things play out. “Say ‘Hi!’ Introduce yourself, talk to their baby, ask questions,” says Steiner. “Where do they live, what do they do? What kind of pacifier does their kid prefer? Start a conversation. You’re experiencing a lot of the same things, so there’s plenty to discuss.” If you’re the shy type, Stern says, remember: They won’t bite. And questions are key. “They get the other person talking,” Stern says. “And feeling like someone’s listening is just as important.”

If you’re the type who’s already plotting your return to the corner office a week after delivering, you have to work even harder to lock in some parental pals early on. “Really take advantage of your maternity leave to actually wade your way into the mommy world,” says Stern, who suggests you might even approach it like a work project. “Then put the iPad away, and get out there. Look around and pretend you’re at a networking event.” Who knows, you might make some useful work connections, too.

Stash the sweats, put on some lipstick and make yourself join the girls for dinner or drinks. “Take a coffee break, plan a girls' night—something that gets you out of the house and away from the kid for a hour or two,” says Stern, so you can actually start feeling like yourself again. “You need to remember who you were before you had a child.” Reconnect with old friends who may have slipped off your radar when they hit the parent track, too. “A pal who has kids a bit older than you can be an amazing resource,” says Steiner. “They’ve been where you are, and they’ll have lots of information to offer.”

Once you have kids, a night on the town can really cost you—especially when you start cutting checks to that reliable babysitter. So why not split the cost with another couple and do a double date. “It’ll be cheaper on all of you, and it will give you and your partner a way to connect with another pair that’s dealing with parenting, too,” says Stern.

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