Co-Parenting Strategies for Divorced Parents

For a happily married couple, parenting can be a rewarding — if challenging — experience, which often brings a family even closer. But when the relationship between parents comes to an end, raising a child together while being apart adds a different set of hurdles as adults and youngsters search for stability in their new and separate lives. It takes a dedicated effort on both your parts to cushion the negative impact on your child. However, successfully co-parenting with your child’s father is very doable.

Both of you are in the same business of raising your children in the best way possible, so treat each other with the respect that good business partners would, suggested Chip Coffey, national certified counselor and director of therapy services at St. Luke’s Behavioral Health Center in Phoenix. For example, instead of referring to your former spouse as the “ex,” consider referring to him as "dad" to your kids and by his name to others. “Keep conversations about the needs and wants of your child and not about your feelings toward your former partner.”

Criticism of your ex-spouse tends to create more emotional instability and insecurity in a child’s life, said Chase Kerrey, a licensed therapist with Doorways, a Phoenix-based clinic that provides counseling and psychiatric services for adolescents and young adults. Avoid criticizing your ex in front of your children. “Let the child make up his own judgments in time without having to feel pressured to choose sides. Even if the other parent doesn’t play by the rules, your adolescent needs to learn from somewhere how to be an emotionally mature adult,” he said.

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If you need something from your child’s father, asking politely can go a long way toward maintaining a harmonious relationship. For example, Coffey suggested that if you want to spend more time with your daughter, ask if it would be OK to have an extra hour on Sunday so you can go to a movie instead of just demanding more time, which could lead to conflict.

Come up with shared rules and expectations of your household before the separation or divorce and enforce them, whether it’s about curfew, homework or discipline. “Research suggests that in turmoil, adolescents typically find security in structure and predictability. So, by having rules of the house and enforcing them consistently and non-emotionally, parents create a safe place for the adolescent to emotionally adjust,” Kerrey said.

You and your former spouse, no matter how civil you are toward each other, are bound to disagree every now and then. But if there are ongoing legitimate conflicts that affect the safety and well-being of your child, Kerrey advised seeking resolution as quickly as possible outside of your adolescent’s view. “Try to keep the adult problems between adults so that your child can focus on being a kid,” he said.

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In addition to speaking positively about the other parent to or within earshot of your children, also avoid putting them in a position of keeping secrets from or about him. And try not to use your kids as messengers. “Parents should communicate with one another and not use the children as a go-between,” Coffey said.

Buy two of everything so that your child feels equally at home wherever he’s spending the next few days. Having similar items in each house makes for a more seamless transition from mom’s house to dad’s, Coffey advised. “Providing their favorite toy or blanket and basics like toothbrushes, hairbrushes, clothes and pajamas in each house makes for less packing and taking back and forth between households.”

Going to stay with their father should never be a surprise to the children, except in an emergency. Make sure your children are aware of the schedule. “Give prompts like, ‘Can you help me pick out some clothes for you tonight because your dad will be picking you up from school tomorrow?’” Coffey said.

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When your child returns from his dad’s, be upbeat and supportive when your son walks through the door or when you pick up your daughter from the typical meeting spot. “When your children come back from being with the other parent, give them your time and attention. It is important to let the children know they are being welcomed back,” Coffey said.