Big Dreamers

With the Olympics in full swing, there’s a chance your tween will be watching the Games with wide-eyed wonder. Could he or she eventually lead Team USA to gold? It’s a time in your kid’s life for dreaming big—and as a parent, you want that. But more than anything, you want your child to be prepared for everything life throws at her. Experts discuss how to nurture your child’s dreams while still keeping her grounded.

First things first: Get talking. Encourage your child, but set goals in a realistic way. “Dreams of being great, for your kids, are so important,” says psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini, author of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom About Health, Sex or Whatever. “Your kids need to know you believe in them, but make sure to frame the discussion like this: You can be anything you want, but you have to work hard for it.”

No matter what it is—swimmer, gymnast, rock star or chess champ—you need to be a cheerleader. But remind your child that all great success stories started at the bottom. “I would never squelch a child’s dream, but let them know they need to have a foundation while they chase that dream,” says Rapini. Remind them that overnight success is practically an urban legend. They can't bank on breaking into the big time in a blink.

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Hope for the best; prepare for the worst. It’s a saying with staying power for a reason. Make a plan with your son or daughter, and then make a backup plan. “Successful parents sit down with their child and say, ‘We love you and believe in you, so we need a plan.’ For example, ‘You need at least an average of B grades and one other activity at school, and then you can pursue the dream, as well.’” Map out what happens in that best-case scenario, and then what they’ll have to fall back on in case life throws them a curveball.

Get creative. If your child is a gifted soccer player who always seems to find the best angle to score a goal, he may be great at geometric angles in the classroom, too. “Identify with your child what skills she will need to excel at her dream,” says Rapini. “If she wants to be a singer, she’ll need to study linguistics and develop great verbal skills. If she wants to be a gymnast, it’s not just flying through the air. You’ll need to know the mathematics and physics of what you’re doing.” You can interconnect the practical skills with the aspirational ones.

Just like on the court, off-the-court skill development is just as important. “Let your child take the lead,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Bette Alkazian, who coaches moms at her Los Angeles-based Balanced Parenting practice. “This is the age to let them take more of a leadership role in all aspects of their lives. If a parent is micromanaging, they can’t do that. Parents should, of course, be making key decisions, but encourage them to take leadership roles on their teams.”

“Listen to your child’s dream, or what they do well, then think outside the box when they do well at it,” says Rapini, who encourages parents to get a little academic themselves, and reward a great school report with a gift to grow their budding talent. For example, if your child is a lit whiz who wants to write, check if a favorite writer of hers is coming to a nearby city. “Reward an A in a course they worked hard in by tying it in with the discipline," Rapini says. "Kids will love that sort of thing.”

Your child is likely ambitious enough; she doesn’t need more pressure from you. Only encouragement. Being tough on your kid may directly affect her performance. “Pressure will cause your child not to live up to their full potential,” Alkazian says. “If she’s in the batter’s box, and she’s constantly looking at you after every pitch, she’ll be too uptight to perform at her highest level. So, stepping back is wise. Be quiet. Cheer, but don’t coach them in the dugout or on the sideline.”

Be there for your child. She'll love knowing you believe she can achieve—but keep your intensity level reasonable. “Once it becomes a parent’s dream, too, it can become destructive,” says Rapini. “It could backfire on you. Your child may start to manipulate and say, ‘I only do this for you now; I don’t even love it anymore.’” You don’t want to take the joy out of it for your child, so be sure everyone’s in it for the right reasons and you don’t enter stage-parent territory.

As a rule of thumb, if you keep school as the main priority, everything else will fall into place. So if grades are suffering, enforce a strict cut in the time they spend pursuing the guitar lessons. “More than anything, a high GPA is essential,” says Rapini. “Insist on it. If a child is really invested in their dream, they will do it.”

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Sports, extracurriculars, school, relaxation. He needs it all. “It’s about finding balance,” says Alkazian. “Too much of a good thing is not a good thing. I encourage parents to get their kids to have relaxation time. Say, ‘You’ve been playing a lot, working your body every day. Let’s go to the beach.’ And in terms of academics and their minds, ask questions. ‘Tell me about what’s been going on in your brain! What are you doing in school? What are you reading?’” Make sure he knows you’re interested in every aspect of his life, and that being well-rounded is important.

If you’re concerned your child isn’t working hard enough to develop a backup plan, don’t get angry. “Open a dialogue; don’t lecture,” Rapini says. “And don’t bring them down or indicate they cannot do it. Don’t say, ‘Oh, I had that dream too, when I was a kid.’ They will never forget that.” Ask questions about their plans, and discuss it calmly.

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Even with loads of talent, the dream might happen or it might not. Be honest about all outcomes. And as a parent, be honest with yourself about your child’s true potential, as well. “Especially because of the moodiness at this age, parents always seem set up to fail,” Alkazian says about discussing the possible setbacks with children. “But you need to be honest about dreams going awry, which isn’t always easy. It’s all about reality checks, and you need them, too.”

Kids need to know that setbacks and failures happen. If your child is sensitive to the topic, you might consider an indirect approach. You never want your child to doubt your support, or feel you don’t believe in him. The old-school plan to get around this? “I suggest checking out the library,” says Rapini. “Take them to the biography section; the autobiographies. All successful people have failings in their past. Have them take out a couple books. They need to see the setbacks, so your child knows that even people who are great now may have failed before."

"And," she adds, "you can also help them understand: It’s only the ones who give up who truly fail.”