If you're a parent to a toddler, you have likely experienced one or all of the following:
- Daily meltdowns
- Clingy behavior
- Not following instructions
We've all been there. Over on my Instagram page @thriving.toddler, here are the top three questions I get about toddler behavior and my answers:
My toddler has daily meltdowns, HELP!
This is common for this developmental period, so don't worry. Although it is very common, it doesn't mean you have to sit back and ride it out. What’s important to remember when your child is in the middle of a meltdown is that your toddler doesn’t know how to regulate his emotions. In that moment, your toddler wants to feel safe, seen, and heard. Be present with the child's big emotions, and help him feel heard by actively listening to him express his grievances.
In addition to helping a child regulate in the moment, I want you to investigate what your child might have been communicating to you by looking at what happened right before the meltdown. By doing this, you can see if he was looking to get something such as a tangible object, your attention, to avoid a request, or because it might feel good.
Example: Joe is 3. He loves going to the park. But every time they leave the park, he has a major meltdown. This meltdown takes place right as his mother tells him it’s time to go. This tells me he’s not ready to leave.
If you know what your child wants (in this situation, more time at the park) I’d encourage Mom to have Joe ask for more time and naturally reward that by giving him a little bit more time. In the future, you can provide transition warnings (e.g. "we are leaving in two minutes") or a specific visual to help with that difficult transition away from the park.
My child wants to be with me, ALL THE TIME. How can I get her to play independently without resorting to a screen?
All parents crave a little bit of alone time. Living in a pandemic and parenting little humans doesn’t allow for much downtime. Developmentally speaking, your child is starting to show signs of separation anxiety (as early as 7 months and peaks somewhere around 18 months). That’s probably why it feels like she won’t leave your side. Here is what you can expect and how you can create an environment that helps your child develop longer periods of independent play.
The more motivated the child is, the longer she will stay engaged in the activity. Between 6 and 9 months, a baby might show interest anywhere from a few seconds to two to three minutes. Between 13 and 18 months, children will play alone for up to 15 minutes. The duration of time increases as your child gets older and becomes more skilled at independent play.
Start providing opportunities as early as six months. Provide an environment where you have a variety of toys out to see what sparks the child's curiosity. Initially, you'll want to engage with the toddler and show her how to play with the toy. Then slowly fade yourself away by moving farther and farther away from your baby. If you set a foundation early and provide those opportunities multiple times per day, it's a skill she will develop and get better at. But here's the key: Ensure you are periodically checking in and letting her know you are there and how proud you are that she is playing on her own — positive praise goes a long way.
How do I get my toddler to listen to me?
No matter how old your child is, connection creates cooperation. If your child feels connected to you, then he is more likely to listen. Here are my top three ways to promote cooperation.
Get to the child's level — that means eye to eye. Make sure you have his attention. And if that means getting close and making sure you're eye to eye with him, you're definitely likely to get your desired response.
Point out when your child is doing a good job of listening. How many times have you pointed out that you appreciate that your child followed your instructions the first time? How does he know you are pleased with him? The more you point out the good, the good gets better. This is true for any behavior you want to increase.
Set up your environment for an easy transition. It’s likely your toddler is so immersed in what he is playing with that he doesn't hear you, or simply, doesn’t want to transition away from building with those fancy Magna-Tiles. Use a timer and give as many time warnings (e.g. three more minutes, two more minutes, one more minute) as possible and have the child transition to a different activity that is just as fun or neutral.
There you have it — the top three questions I get from parents with toddlers. If there's one thing I want parents with toddlers to do, it's to pay close attention to good behaviors and encourage more of them by acknowledging the good.
