I’ve been given the gift of having sons and a daughter. It wasn’t until I was holding my girl in my arms right after she was born, and I saw her little birthmark on her belly, that I knew she would go through many of the same things I went through as a girl.
That small mark on her stomach reminded me of the birthmark I had on my chest. My whole life I tried to cover it up. I wouldn’t even wear a bathing suit that dipped below my collarbone because I hated it so much. Everyone always asked what was wrong with my skin there, or if I’d been in a fire.
The flashback filled my chest, and I decided then and there I’d never try to tell her that her feelings were smaller than they were. I’d never mutter the words “get over it.” I’d never tell her struggles with friends or romantic partners weren’t a big deal. I knew all too well they were a big deal.
Being a mother to a daughter means more than just chalking up their behavior to a bunch of emotions and thinking, Oh, she’ll get over it. It’s so much more than that. If you have a daughter, then you know…
1. How impressionable they are
They want to fit in and sometimes they don’t. When my daughter was 5, she was into princesses and Disney movies until she saw a girl at the grocery store one day wearing an Elsa costume. I don’t know what happened, but she couldn’t stop staring at her. She came home and declared she didn’t want to wear dresses any longer.
Ever since that day, she likes to go against the grain and have her own style as far as clothes and makeup. However, moms of daughters know they can change their mind at any given time, and we learn to be ready.
2. They want you to accept them, even if they act like they don’t
If they hide in their room and say they want to be left alone, what they are really saying is, “Don’t leave me alone for too long.” They want you to approve of them and their choices even after they outgrow the stage where they want to wear your clothes and copy your hairstyle.
Our daughters think we are wonderful when we are small and aren’t afraid to show us. That changes, but deep down, even if they aren’t dressing like us, they want us to notice, accept, and approve. Even if they seem so angry, we're pretty sure they daydream about running away.
3. The compassion we feel for our daughters is different because we’ve been there
When my daughter came to me one rainy spring evening and told me her best friend had decided that she didn’t want her to be her best friend any longer, just a regular friend, it crushed me.
I was right back in fifth grade. I remember the tough year I had with a group of girls who wanted to be my friend one day, then dump me the next. It made me so sad and affected every day of that school year.
When she looks in the mirror and doesn’t like what she sees, when her heart is broken, when she’s sad and emotional but doesn’t know why, I feel it in my bones. I want to fix it for her so badly it turns my stomach.
4. How much they compare themselves to others
The television, the internet, all their "friends" they have on social media whom they don’t know, and all the trends have our girls comparing themselves to one another all the damn time.
When I was younger, I had a love/hate relationship with getting my magazines in the mail. I always felt less-than after looking at them. When I saw a girl all the boys in my class were crazy over, I couldn’t help but compare myself to her and wonder what she had that I didn’t.
It’s a constant cycle churning through their heads. It’s almost hardwired in their brains, and as their moms, we do everything in our power to help them see that individuality stands on its own.
5. You will menstruate at the same time
This is an undeniable truth you are never ready for. The only advice I have if this hasn’t happened yet is to stock up on all the things — supplies, chocolate, chips — and realize it’s OK to keep your distance from one another.
6. They can be messy as hell
They like to craft, play with makeup, their hair is all over the place, and hell hath no fury like a girl who can’t decide what to wear for the day. Their rooms can go from looking like a dreamy escape to a crime scene in less than a half hour.
7. You don’t know sass until you meet a 12-year-old girl
Or 10, or 8, or 14. In a way, this is good — we're teaching them to speak up and advocate for themselves. But when they think they can use it as a way to manipulate us into getting something they want, lying, or think they don’t have to be cordial simply because they don’t feel like it, it will make you wonder how they ever learned to be that disrespectful.
8. Their hearts are big and they care so much
I listened to a podcast once that explained anger equals hurt. It made a lot of sense to me, and I realized that all the times I was being nasty to someone was because I was hurting. Our girls might have a hard time expressing these feelings. Most of the time they exist because they care. They care about their friends, their family, and the puppy down the street who just had surgery.
Daughters are able to see the long game and they have big ideas. They are built with stamina and resilience. Moms of daughters know the challenges of being a girl and a woman, and for that reason, there’s a special kind of closeness between us that can never be replaced.
