My husband is fond of saying, “There are two kinds of parents: those who yell at their kids, and liars.” But I had never wanted to be the screaming mother. And this summer, it appeared that was who I had become.
I realized it had gotten out of hand when I found myself yelling at my oldest to stop shouting at his little brother. And I vowed to try my hardest to stop yelling all together when after a particularly loud outburst my two-year-old looked up at me with his big brown eyes and asked, “Mama, you’re not angry anymore?”
In response to that heart-wrenching question, I challenged myself to go a full seven days without raising my voice. I’m not going to lie, it wasn’t easy and I failed several times, but I learned a lot in the process.
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- Less yelling, more walking. I realized that half my hollering was due to laziness on my part. I repeatedly caught myself about to shout from the other room instead of directly interacting with my kids. Multitasking and not yelling don’t really work. I had to give up my habit of barking orders while doing dishes or fixing breakfast or any number of other tasks that need to happen through out my day. Instead I had to stop what I was doing, walk over to my child, make eye contact, and speak in an inside voice. This is clearly better, but definitely more time consuming.
I realized that if you rarely raise your voice, yelling has real power.
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Outer calm, inner turmoil. I thought that lowering my voice would also lower my blood pressure, but I often found that wasn’t the case. It was super frustrating, especially because everyone else in the house was still yelling. And there were times when I really struggled to get my point across. I found myself wanting to curse, desperate for a way to impart the importance of what I had to say.
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Dangerous combinations. One of the most helpful things I discovered are my triggers. Namely, feeling rushed and stressed. One day we were running late for an appointment and my toddler started having a tantrum. I think I could have kept my cool if I was handling just one of these upsets, but the combination led to a serious outburst. I can’t control the tantrums, but I can try to be better about not feeling rushed.
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Exceptions to the rule. On day four we went to the county fair. It was among the carnival music and crowds that I learned, sometimes you really need to yell. Not only because it’s hard to be heard, but because your child’s safety is more important than keeping a level voice. If you can take two kids to a bustling public space and not shout, you are some sort of mothering legend and my hat is off to you.
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Potency is power. When the week was all over and we were once again running late, I raised my voice and something surprising happened: my kids listened. I realized that if you rarely raise your voice, yelling has real power. And for me, that might be the very best incentive for keeping the shouting to a minimum.