My son has never been the kind of child I can leave with a friend while I run to a doctor’s errand. He’s still quite young, but I don’t anticipate that changing.
He has an extra dose of stranger wariness. It takes time for him to warm up to other kids. If you say hello to him in public, he might answer. Or he might shyly look down at his feet.
For some reason, it bothers me when people say, “He’s a shy one, isn’t he?”
As if I didn’t know. As if he didn’t know, and can’t hear the comment.
I think it’s the same for many of us moms of shy kids.
Here are four things only we know.
We don’t want you to take offense to our kid’s shyness
Usually, a comment like “Is he shy?” is followed by, “Hey, look at me! I’m nice. I won’t bite.”
Which makes our kids squirm. They’re not scared of you. They would just rather connect with you in a different way. Or not connect at all.
And that’s OK. Their shyness isn’t personal.
Pointing it out or turning it into a joke pushes them further away.
What you can do instead, is smile gently, no matter our kid's reaction. Say, “It’s good to meet you,” and mean it. Then move on to whatever you were going to do.
We share a special, deep-rooted connection with our shy ones
I was the type of kid who went up to random other kids at the grocery store and said, “Do you want to be my friend?”
My son is the opposite. Still, we share a deep, unshakable bond.
This is because I am the one who understands and accepts him and his shyness more than anyone else out there. I let him take his time to interact with people on his own terms. I am the rock he can anchor himself to, when he is feeling nervous.
I wouldn’t trade this connection or this boy for a thousand outgoing kids I could leave with a friend at the drop of a hat.
We hate it when people praise outgoing kids, leaving our quiet ones unnoticed
It’s easy to recognize and notice the good traits and accomplishments of outgoing kids. But we mamas of shy kids hate it when those extroverted kids are praised for their outgoingness. If you’re going to do that, praise kids also for their reserve.
Seriously. It’s time to recognize the value in a kid who isn’t always chattery and sunshiney to everyone around.
Our shy kids might take longer to voice their opinions, but the opinions are often well thought-out.
They might build friendships more slowly, but those friendships are deep and strong.
They might not laugh and smile all the time, but the laughs they do share are the truest and most beautiful laughs around.
So, stop praising kids for being outgoing. Instead, notice the values each kid brings to the world — not just the ease with which you can interact with them.
Our child’s shyness is not a character fault
It’s terribly annoying to have a fellow adult cluck at our shy child and ask us, “What are you doing to help him be less shy?”
Umm … nothing. In the case of my son, I’m helping him learn social skills by taking him to regular playdates, school, and the park. But I don’t force him to interact with people if he doesn’t want to.
He isn’t required to be un-shy.
He’s just more reserved. And that’s OK.
Mamas of shy kids, I see you
You and your precious, quiet kiddos. The thoughtful, sweet little ones we can't imagine our lives without. And the fierce, protective mamas who are right next to them, making sure no one ever dulls their glow.
