'We Would've Liked Grandkids by Now'
Even if you’re kidding, we'll automatically assume there’s some truth. “Don't stir feelings of inadequacy,” says Beverly Hills, Calif. family therapist Carin Goldstein. “Are you comparing yourself or your child to others, when your child is fine where she’s at?” We may be frustrated about not being as far along in our love lives, too—let's just talk about our feelings.
Try instead: “If you want to talk, you know where to find me.”
'I Don't Think She's Right for You'
We’re especially sensitive when you critique the people we love. We start questioning our decision-making skills and wondering what will happen if we stay with them. “When you say this, you are telling your child you believe they are incompetent of making the decision of who is good for them,” says Houston, Texas psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini.
Try instead: “You have good insights. I am sure anyone you choose will be wonderful.”
'I Would Have Used Less Icing'
We know how you do things. Sometimes, though, we choose to do it differently, which doesn't mean it's wrong. “Your child will begin to hide real problems so you won't have more reason to pick on them,” says Rapini. “If something is really bad, they won't trust you to talk about it.”
Try instead: “You’re so busy with the kids. I'll make the cake next time."
'You Spend Too Much Time Going Out'
Many of us go through phases of questionable decision-making. “Are you in any way enabling your son or daughter in this sort of behavior? If so, stop," Goldstein says. "If not, you have to avoid coming to them on the attack. When you’re critical, you make it about you. Try to really understand why they’re spending their time this way.”
Try instead: “What’s going on with you lately? How is life? Are you happy?”
'You Could Lose 10 Pounds'
Maybe you’re going with the, “If your mom can’t tell you the truth, who can?” thing, but, from you, on this topic, we want to hear how beautiful we are. If you do broach the number on the scale, use positive reinforcement. “With weight, always focus on what they are doing well,” says Rapini.
Try instead: “I saw you out running, and I was so impressed."
MORE: Lending to Adult Kids?
'I'm Not a Big Fan of That Hairstyle'
Usually, we make concerted decisions about our appearance. If you say something to undermine those choices, we assume you don’t trust us much. “Appearance comments cut deeply, and only serve to make kids feel more out of control,” says Rapini of grown children. “It’s much better to encourage with their gifts.”
Try instead: “When you part your hair on the left side, it really makes your eyes pop."
'You Need to Work on Finding a Real Job'
We probably won't abandon our musical or entrepreneurial dreams just because you insist it won't work. If anything, we’ll just dig our heels in. “It’s hard watching your child head down a path you don't like, but sometimes they need to experience the fall on their own,” says Goldstein. “Keep them on your side, or they will never listen to you. Respect their journey.”
Try instead: “How’s the music career coming? Any new leads?”
'You Should Give Your Child a Time-Out'
Parenting is a hot-button topic. We know you rocked at it, but the last thing we want to hear when little Joey’s talking back is what we’re doing to enable it. Be supportive. “Your kid may be doing it all wrong,” says Goldstein. “Come to them with compassion, not criticism. Support is key.”
Try instead: “Look, been there, dealt with that. I know it’s tough. If you want help, let me know.”
'Put That Money Toward a House'
To us, money is a sign of independence. If you tell us where we “need” to spend it, we hear that we should just come home and never grow up. “So much emotion is attached to money,” Goldstein says. “If they want to spend their money on a car instead of a house, that’s really their choice and it’s not for you to say otherwise.”
Try instead: “That’s a big decision. I can help, if you want.
'Your Brother Was Already VP at Your Age'
We’re already competitive with siblings, and when you compare us, we hear that you wish we were someone else. “It’s stirring the pot needlessly and setting your children against each other," Goldstein says. "Nothing good can ever come from it.” Don't make us feel hopeless by pointing out a sibling's paycheck.
Try instead: “I know you’re not where you thought you’d be, but you’re your own person. I know you’ll get there.”
