The Parenting Minefield

Ask 20 moms the correct way to raise a kid and you’ll get 20 different answers. Still, as long as kids grow to be happy and healthy, there’s no harm, no foul, in the way they got there, right? And yet some parents believe their parenting philosophies are not only better, but absolutely right. Here are 10 of the most controversial things some moms do differently:

J.Crew creative director Jenna Lyons caused a minor uproar last year when she appeared in an ad painting her young son’s toenails hot pink. “This is a dramatic example of the way that our culture is being encouraged to abandon all trappings of gender identity,” said FoxNews.com columnist Keith Ablow. But there are plenty of parents beside Lyons who are attempting to abandon age-old gender stereotypes—raising their daughters without being chained at the apron strings to Barbie, and not forcing a football tucked under their sons' arms at all times. A more extreme example is the Canadian couple who recently didn’t reveal their baby’s sex until months after (as it turns out) he was born, because they wanted to raise a child in a “world unconstrained by social norms about males and females."

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The vast majority of moms doesn't think twice about vaccinating their kids. The American Academy of Pediatrics and most family physicians recommend a specific schedule of immunizations starting at birth to stave off potentially life-threatening illnesses. However, some moms feel passionately that the risk of diseases like the mumps is minor, but that even a disproved link between vaccinations and autism spectrum disorder is too disturbing to ignore. Coupled with the potential for other harmful side effects from routine immunizations, a minority of moms chooses to abstain from those shots entirely.

For centuries women have gone without drugs for easing the pain of childbirth. Countless moms who use techniques like hypnosis, rhythmic breathing, ice chips, massages, acupuncture, water therapy or sheer determination to have chemical-free labor swear the recovery is faster and their babies are better off in the long run for not having been exposed to drugs during birth. Other women, however, are more than thrilled for a little prescribed intervention during childbirth and find that knowing they won’t experience the pain of labor and delivery makes them look forward to their child's birth with joy instead of any kind of trepidation.

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When babies sleep near one or both parents, it’s considered co-sleeping. Bed-sharing is when a baby bunks on the same surface as mom and/or dad. Dr. William Sears coined the term Attachment Parenting as it relates to babies and children forming a strong emotional bond with their parents, and sleeping together is an essential ingredient. Bed-sharing advocates tout the easier breast-feeding access, more and better quality sleep for parents and babies, and more literal bonding. However, while the American Academy of Pediatrics encourages room-sharing, the practice of bed-sharing is strongly discouraged due to the risk of injury or death to infants because of the potential for such hazards as suffocation.

The World Health Organization recommends all women breast-feed their babies for at least the first six months of life. And in an ideal world, most women probably would. However, some women don’t produce enough milk to sustain an infant. Some babies never latch on to their mother's breasts. And some moms simply don’t have the time or inclination to do it. Fortunately there’s formula for babies not breastfed, although some breast-feeding activists (also known as lactivists) are adamant that breast is best and sacred, and there is no substitute—even going so far as try and stop hospitals from dispensing free formula samples to new moms with the hope it’ll force or encourage them to try harder to breast-feed.

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Plenty of moms would like nothing more than to stop working and stay home to care for their babies after giving birth. Many are heartbroken, however, when the reality of their family’s finances force them back to the office and their children into daycare. Choice or no, some argue that working moms are detrimental to their children’s sense of security, and that having mom around to kiss each boo-boo is in everyone’s best emotional interest. At the same time, other moms feel most fulfilled by pursuing their out-of-the-house career dreams, and are completely OK with leaving their children’s care to nannies or licensed daycare providers.

Some women breast-feed in public, but ensure that they’re covered up when they do it. Other women assert their right to nurse in public is just that—their right—and they should never have to cover up or retreat to a more secluded location. After all, children and adults aren’t forced to eat in private (or in bathrooms), so why should babies? Breast-feeding isn’t sexual or indecent, they argue; it’s biological. In recent months there have been more and more nurse-ins, wherein breast-feeding moms have protested businesses that prohibit them from breast-feeding in public, insisting they’ll do it where they please (unless it’s on the cover of Time magazine, in which case most of those same moms argued that was inappropriate).

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Violence may beget violence, but is spanking a naughty child really considered violent? The answer for many moms often depends on how they were raised. Some see it as nothing short of child abuse and think spanking a child is a harmful form of discipline that only teaches children to similarly use violence as a form of conflict resolution. But still plenty of other moms have no problem giving their offspring a whack across the butt in order to remind them that there are consequences for inappropriate behavior.

Not since the advent of Caller ID and drive-through Starbucks has there been a better invention than the disposable diaper. After all, who wants to deal with pee and poop more than is ever necessary? As it turns out, plenty of moms don’t mind, and actually greatly prefer cloth diapers to the disposable variety. Advocates sing their praises, especially how they’re easier on the wallet, better for the planet (more water used, but, they argue, less landfill space taken up), and expose babies to fewer harmful toxins. In fact, some cloth diaper advocates are so zealous in their opinion about people who use disposable diapers you’d think they were talking about their right to breast-feed in public (see No. 6).

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Call it the Ferber Method. Call it sleep training. But when you let babies cry it out instead of rocking and soothing them to sleep, plenty of people call it cruel, and some new research suggests it stresses babies out to a damaging extent even after they’ve calmed down. Many moms won’t do it out of fear of long-term psychological effects to their offspring. Others, however, find that it’s the only way to effectively get babies to learn to self-soothe and fall asleep on their own, and that in order for moms to get enough sleep to parent effectively, they have to bite their tongue and ignore their babies’ cries.