Is Your Oldest Child College-Bound?

The first child to leave the nest will get plenty of attention when going away to college. The parents, too, will likely receive ample support and advice from friends. In all the excitement, though, some equally important family members may be left standing outside the family spotlight. It's easy to forget that younger siblings also experience a major life change when older siblings leave for college. But you can take steps to ease this transition for them.

As freshman year approaches for your college-bound child, there's likely to be a lot of conversation about it, says Homa Mahmoudi, clinical psychologist. Dinner table topics might include college orientation, dorm assignments and everything else this exciting, new college journey entails. Your younger children are following all of this, perhaps with more interest than they let on. Check in occasionally with the younger kids; involve them in the discussion when appropriate. Mahmoudi recommends using "I statements." When a parent says, "I'm going to miss Johnny," it's easier for a child to share his own feelings.

If your child asks if you're sad, be honest with her. Children are more perceptive about our moods and emotions than we realize. "Telling a child you're not sad, when in fact you are, creates doubt about their ability to identify others' feelings, read them and respond appropriately," says Elizabeth Gibbs, licensed marriage and family therapist. She adds that, while it's not necessary to break into an "ugly cry" in front of them, you should talk openly in an age-appropriate manner about the feelings you're having.

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Gibbs says it's equally important to allow your younger children to express their feelings without judgment. "Just listen and let them know it's OK to have whatever feelings they're having," says Gibbs. "It's likely their feelings, just like yours, will be somewhat mixed." Mahmoudi says that some children enjoy benefits that may come when an older child leaves. Perhaps they aren't being bossed around by a sibling anymore. Don't be offended as a parent. Allow the child to enjoy the attention of no longer being in the older child's shadow.

When a college-bound child leaves, it may trigger a fear in younger children that they will have to leave, too. Assure them they don't have to leave if they don't want to. Mahmoudi says this is often a fear they grow out of. For older children, the sibling's departure may trigger increased pressure for them to also attend college. Gibbs's advice: "While many parents want their children to attend college (a reasonable desire), not every child is college-bound. Talk with them about what they perceive about college and how they see their own experience ahead."

A practical suggestion from Gibbs: Some younger children might feel reassured by having a special item from the college-bound child. Maybe it's a stuffed animal that isn't going to college but was always in the sibling's room, or perhaps a particular photo, item of clothing or book bag. Just as mementos and keepsakes bring comfort to us, these "transitional objects" can help younger children feel connected to their older sibling.

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Gibbs suggests this great idea: Talk with the college-bound child and the younger children about how to stay in touch. Give each child remaining at home time to talk, email, text or have a virtual talk with his distant sibling privately (within reason). Younger children may want to send drawings to the college student. Having a routine about when and how to communicate with the college student can support the connection between siblings and assure all involved that there will be time each week to reconnect.

When a college-bound child leaves home, the household changes and roles shift. One practical manifestation of that shift may come in the form of household duties and chores. Sit and discuss who will be taking over certain tasks. Gibbs advises parents to let children "have a say in the negotiations and [to] be cautious of adding too much to their daily load."

Mahmoudi says that an older sibling can play a variety of valuable roles in a younger child's life: tutor, mentor, coach, friend. The loss of the college-bound child may create a big vacuum in the younger child's world. And Mahmoudi suggests trying to fill in the gap as much as possible. Hire a tutor. Encourage your child to socialize more with his friends. No one will really take the place of the sibling, but filling some of these "functional roles" will help your younger child make the transition.

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Allow for an adjustment period. "This takes as long as it takes," says Gibbs. "Younger kids may regress somewhat; older kids may pull away." Continuing with regular routines can help decrease uncertainty in many children. "Other kids may benefit from the creation of a new ritual [or] routine that is focused on them," adds Gibbs. "If this is an option for you, it's best to allow it to be directed by the child remaining at home (again, within reason)."