Tips for Parents to Get Through the Puberty Years

The puberty years can send parents and preteens on an emotional roller coaster ride. From wild mood swings and impatient moments to short fuses and temper tantrums, it’s likely the entire family will need to find ways to adjust and cope. How can you keep your sanity while also offering a supportive environment for your pubescent child? Education, communication and self-care should be a top priority for parents during this time.

A confused and even angry preteen will likely lash out unexpectedly when she doesn’t understand the changes she is experiencing during puberty. The best way for parents to keep their sanity and support her is to first depersonalize comments she slings at you, says Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills, Calif.-based psychotherapist and author of “The Self-Aware Parent.” Although the words may sting, know that they are not personal. “Know that your tween is going through changes, and he or she still loves you,” Walfish says.

Children of any age will try to push the limits now and then. While your preteen’s moods and emotions are high, it’s important to set clear boundaries for expected behavior. “You will need to stay firm in balancing nature with clear boundaries,” advises Walfish. “For instance, mom’s attitude should be one of accepting mood changes but zero tolerance for disrespect.”

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Even though just a few years or even months ago your preteen wanted to spend every waking moment with you, times have changed. “You will see a tween cuddle and sit on mom’s lap, then instantly dash off asking for spending money to go to the mall with friends,” Walfish says. Although it is difficult to see your preteen lose interest in spending time with you, it is important to accept this independence as a sign of growth.

Open discussions about how your preteen feels about puberty may help to minimize outbursts and moodiness. Set up a time to have this discussion instead of tackling tough questions when you may not be prepared, suggests Erica Ives, a Calabasas, Calif.-based family therapist. “Promote open dialogue with your child about this topic,” she says. “Remember, they still need you [even if they may think differently] and want to know that you still need them as your child.”

During a time that is confusing for your tween, it may help you and her to learn more about the changes puberty brings. “Normalize the experience of having a period, including pre-menstrual symptoms such as cramps to headaches to increased fatigue and mood swings,” says Ives. “Use this opportunity to connect with your preteen because you have been there before.”

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If discussing the changes in your child’s body is difficult to discuss, Ives recommends buying books or finding websites that you can read together. You and your daughter can create an emergency kit with feminine products or extra undergarments to help her feel more secure when going to school or extracurricular activities.

As a parent, you may be struggling with the fact that your child is growing up. Take some time to deal with your own thoughts about this transition to ultimately support your preteen as he matures. “The more comfort you, as the parent, exude about the topic, the more likely this will increase their comfort level to talk and listen,” says Ives.

Now that your preteen is more interested in socializing with friends than hanging out with mom and dad, it’s time to make the most of your “me” time. Engage in your own self care and explore those interests you’ve been putting on the back burner. Maybe a marathon or a sewing class is in your future.

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