Say No to Stress
Your mother-in-law says something passive-aggressive; your kid leaves his homework at school … again! "If you're under stress, it's not a time to deal with these problems," says Mona Spiegel, a psychologist and life coach in Rockland County, N.Y. "One deals best with these situations when one's own stress level is low." But that can be easier said than done, so we asked two parenting experts for their advice on staying composed in the seven most stressful situations moms confront all too often.
Your Kid Forgot Her Homework
Take a deep breath and think through the situation instead of getting angry. "First, ask yourself, 'Is this an extraordinary event or very typical?" says Spiegel. "Is there a pattern of forgetting, or has she just forgotten her homework once or twice? You probably don't need to attend to it until it's a pattern."
Too upset to be rational? "Tell the child, 'I have to think about this. I'll talk to you later,'" Spiegel says. "Giving yourself breathing space can be very helpful."
Your Kids Won't Stop Fighting
“The thing to keep in mind is that sibling rivalry, as annoying as it is, is an opportunity for children to learn important people skills, including negotiating, advocating for their point of view and giving in gracefully,” says Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a psychologist in private practice in Princeton, N.J.
That doesn’t mean you need to listen to endless bickering. “If they’re bothering you, tell them, 'You’re disturbing my peace,'" Kennedy-Moore says. “Have them go play in the basement or outside or in their own rooms. Separating them can solve a lot.”
Your Son Doesn't Get Invited
“Our hearts hurt when our kids are hurting,” says Kennedy-Moore. “Keep in mind, though, that feelings are not dangerous. Know that you cannot solve the problem, but you can understand [and empathize with] what they’re going through.”
And as tempting as it may be to call the other mom and ask her to invite your child, “avoid interceding,” she advises.
Once you’ve acknowledged their feelings, Kennedy-Moore says, “Plan another activity. Maybe say, 'We can invite a friend over or go to a movie.'"
Your Child Gets a D
“Your first reaction may be shock—‘My high-performing kid got a D!’” says Spiegel. “But instead of overreacting, use it as an opportunity to have a conversation with your child about it."
Next, work on understanding what the grade means, she advises. “Ask yourself, is it a one-time thing? Or a red flag of something more serious? We need to get past our own dreams and expectations for our child when these things happen. They’re often related to how well we did in school.
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Your Daughter Cries at Drop-Off
Don’t react to this morning drama or let it ruin your day. “Tell yourself, this is OK,” says Kennedy-Moore. “Know you’re leaving her in a good place and that she’s fine. Lend her your confidence.”
Then, at another time, discuss the situation with her and ask her for a solution to make mornings less overwrought. “Your child may have some ideas about ways to have a peaceful morning,” says Kennedy-Moore. “Whatever she comes up with will be better than anything we can.”
Your Teen's BFF Stopped Talking to Her
Instead of getting caught up in the Mean Girls drama, remind yourself that “this is extremely common and it’s painful, but it’s not going to kill her,” says Kennedy-Moore.
“Start by acknowledging her pain and giving her some guidance, but don’t try and solve the problem. Say, ‘It hurts that’s she’s drifting away. But you know, you can’t force her to like you.' Say, 'What about if you give it some time and let tempers cool?' if there was a blowup."
Mother-in-Law Says Something Obnoxious
Your mother-in-law has a million opinions, and she doesn’t hesitate to share any of them with you. Spiegel says, “You need to tell yourself, 'I realize that I can’t change my mother-in-law. But I know that how I usually react to her is stressing me out.' Tell yourself, 'I want to change that reaction.'”
Not only will you lower your own stress levels, but you’ll also be a good role model for your children. By the way you react, “you’re teaching them good communication skills and strategies that they’ll need to cope with difficult situations, such as bullying,” says Spiegel.
