Since becoming a mom almost a year ago, there’s one question I’ve been asked hundreds of times that always makes me mad: “Is she a good baby?” This question is always asked with good intentions, usually as a way to check in on how I’m doing as a mom, but it always strikes me as a ridiculous question.
What do you mean, “Is she a good baby?” Of course she’s a good baby! By virtue of being a baby — by existing in this world as an infant — she is a “good” one. Let’s be clear here: Every baby is a good baby. The only thing a baby needs to do to be “good” at being a baby is to just exist.
I’m never sure how people expect me to respond to this question — what parent is out there telling people they have a bad baby? My sarcastic answer is always, “No, she’s actually a terrible baby. She goes out every night to rob banks and kick puppies.”
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In reality, what would qualify as a “bad” baby? A baby with colic? A baby who wakes up every hour? A baby who is struggling to latch? A baby who isn’t gaining enough weight? “Bad” implies a poor quality or a moral failing, and that isn’t the way I’d describe any infant.
I understand that people ask this question as a way to check in on new parents, to see how they’re coping with the big life changes. So here’s my suggestion: Ask the direct questions you want to know about. Is she sleeping well? Is she fussy? How are you feeling? Has recovery been challenging? Are you settling into parenthood OK?
Parenting, especially when you have a newborn, is challenging, and it can be especially difficult if you don’t have an easy baby. If your baby is having difficulty adjusting to life outside the womb, it’s important to remember that it’s not your fault. And in the tough moments, remind yourself that your baby isn’t giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time.
No matter what, your baby is a “good baby.”
