The discussion about boundaries is being had more publicly in recent years. Moms are the ultimate boundary enforcer — some days it feels like that is all we can do. Unfortunately, children of all ages will continue to test our boundaries until the end of time, and there are some days where it feels that is all that they do!
When our children are little, it can seem like a losing battle to keep boundaries around any subject. Moms need boundaries around mealtime, bedtime, screentime, behavior, relationships with family members, and most important — around their own time for self-care.
When we do not uphold our boundaries, we are teaching our children and our families how they should interact with us. Moms who say they have no time for anything are probably lacking secure rules around what they will and will not do and allow.
Boundaries Make You a Better Parent
Dr. Krupa Playforth, the Pediatrician Mom, explains that “setting boundaries does not make you a bad parent. It probably makes you a better parent. You are setting up patterns that will matter over your children’s lives.” Setting boundaries with your toddlers teaches them to learn where their limits are, and children tend to thrive on structure.
“With the pandemic, we are feeling guilty. Our children have been deprived of so many things. There is a temptation to ignore our boundaries and let them have the extra cookie. If they find out they can whine for an extra hour and get the cookie, no one enjoys it. It’s not enjoyable for them either,” Dr. Playforth continues.
How to Keep a Boundary
When creating boundaries for your toddler, there are a few key things to remember and keep in mind. First, boundaries work better when they are communicated clearly and early. Giving children a countdown or warning helps them to know and anticipate the change in events that are to come or the end to an activity. Giving a warning lessens the fight that undoubtedly occurs when a mom abruptly ends screen time or expects toddlers to get in the bed at a certain time.
Second, boundaries need to be maintained as much and as often as possible. Consistency allows children and parents to manage their expectations and each person can look forward to the results of the boundary, like better rest for children who go to bed on time or less frustration when trying a new game.
Third, as Dr. Playforth suggests, allowing your child to have some control when you set a boundary can make it easier to move a child, especially a toddler, along with the boundary. For example, when leaving the park, Dr. Playforth advises that you “let them choose the music on the ride home from the playground or decide if they want to walk or be carried to the car,” to lessen negotiation.
Staying Positive About Boundaries
Moms generally do not want to deal with another battle if they can avoid it, so how do we do that? Instead of saying no outright, Dr. Playforth suggests using an alternative. Here’s a script that can be used: Instead of allowing your toddler to throw their food because they do not want to eat what you’ve prepared, you can say something like, “We can put chicken nuggets on the menu for another day, but today we are having spaghetti.” When children start to learn that tantrums will not work like they used to and they cannot pull on mom’s emotions, children tend to not have as many tantrums.
Lastly, remember that not all actions need a boundary. Natural consequences and timers can be great “bad guys”! Kids will realize the need for a coat once they feel the cool air outside. To stay in the positive light, setting a time could be a great way to introduce toddlers to limitations, because once the timer goes off, toddlers will immediately know they cannot play anymore.
Teaching boundaries at an early age is a great setup for adulthood. Also remember, we can give ourselves a little grace if our boundaries slip from time to time — we only live once.
