There are certain rules of behavior — aka etiquette — that we’re all supposed to follow. It makes life more civilized, less chaotic, and sometimes less disgusting. It keeps people from being blatantly rude and offers human beings a guide to not sucking so much.
Of course, toddlers have their own rules.
Toddlers laugh in the face of etiquette in every single way. They defy the rules, rewrite them, and then tell us to go eff ourselves in many ways.
Thankfully, they’re cute.
These are just some of the ways real-life etiquette totally differs from toddler "etiquette."
Polite society does not comment on people's weight
Your friend tries on a dress that doesn’t really flatter her shape, but this isn’t one of those friends you can be frank with. She needs the confidence boost. You tell her:
"I don’t think this is suited to your frame."
Vs.
Your toddler, who sees you trying on a dress and says: "Your boobs look like melons, Mommy."
"I can see your rolls, Mommy."
"Oooh your tummy is so big and squishy — like a pillow!"
Rest assured, you look like crap in that dress or are generously endowed. (If so, God bless!)
Nice people thank the chef for dinner
You go to a friend’s house and eat a delicious meal. You are so thankful that you didn’t have to cook. You graciously thank her.
Vs.
Your toddler, who does not one bit of thanking.
He throws it on the floor, says he hates yellow food, and then cries and says he wants the food back. He feeds the food to the dog and then asks for dessert. He asks you for hot dogs and cries when it is not mac 'n’ cheese.
Basically, toddlers say eff you and your dinner, Chef Mom!
Generally, when one burps, they cover their mouth
You, as a civilized human being, cover your mouth when burping and say, “Excuse me,” in a British accent. (Well, everything but the accent.)
Vs.
Your toddler, who just lets it rip. She burps in your face and laughs. She burps in the babysitter's face and then says, “That’s smelly!”
Polite people wear functional and appropriate clothing in public
You wear clean clothes to work that address the business conduct code. You leave the house for pickup at school in at least clean yoga pants.
Vs.
Your ornery toddler, who asks to leave the house in a shirt and undies. He gets naked while company is over and proudly shows off his "manhood." She wants to wear your high heels and a tutu to preschool, and throws an absolute fit when she realizes the high heels don’t fit.
You never ask someone their age
Your grandmother told you never to ask someone’s age, so you don’t.
When you see an old friend, you don’t tell her she looks old — or even comment that she’s your “old" friend. You know better. You probably look a bit older, too — thanks to your kids.
Vs.
Your toddler, who notes it all. She tells Grandma, “You look really old, Grandma.” He guesses dad’s age as “at least 80,” when he’s 30.
Personal questions are not polite conversation
Your single sister comes to visit, and you dare not ask her about the bohemian she met on Bumble. You don’t think he’s really “around” anymore.
Vs.
Your toddler who Must. Know. All! She says, “Auntie, are you married yet?”
Later, the toddler laughs and tells everyone at the family meal that no one likes Auntie. She says, “Mommy says you’re still not married and she worries, Auntie.”
Bathroom talk is best left unsaid
You’ve been constipated since week 20 of your pregnancy and have a hemorrhoid the size of Pluto. But do you ever speak a single word of this? Hell no!
Vs.
Your toddler, who shares. And shares. And shares.
He asks you to look at his butt. He cries when his poop comes out, afraid he just lost a part of himself. He shouts, “Poopie, poopie, poopie!” while running around naked in the house as you try to wipe his butt.
Sharing other people's secrets is a big no-no
You know not to out your cousin at Thanksgiving because your family isn’t accepting — just like you instinctively know not to bring up your sister-in-law's affair.
Vs.
A toddler, who believes sharing is caring. Not just sharing, but sharing loud enough for the world to hear. He tells everyone, “Cousin Chris is only marrying a boy!” She yells across the room, “Auntie has two husbands!”
