When I was younger, my dream job was to be a stay-at-home mom.
I always had this picture in my mind of what my perfect family would look like — me and my husband raising our three kids, two sons and a daughter. I would envision the life we would have — the house we would live in, the extracurricular activities my children would participate in, and the places we would travel.
I met my perfect husband when we were both very young and we got married a few months before I turned 21. We were excited to start a family together, but were thinking we were going to wait until I was 24 to have our first baby. Plans changed and I found out I was pregnant exactly three months after we tied the knot.
Things were going well until I turned six weeks pregnant and my morning sickness kicked in. Well, at least what I thought was morning sickness.
The nausea and vomiting very quickly became out of control
I was throwing up more than 20 times a day — and dry heaving constantly — most days. I couldn’t keep down food or water. I began to have physical side effects from being so sick: I was losing weight, my eyes and head constantly hurt from throwing up, my lips were so chapped and my mouth was so dry from dehydration, and I felt so exhausted and dizzy all the time that I stayed on the couch all day and only got up to drag myself to the bathroom.
The sickness was debilitating, and it became very apparent that what I was dealing with was not normal morning sickness – it was hyperemesis gravidarum. I was finally able to go to the doctors and was prescribed medication to ease the vomiting, but the nausea was still there, and it continued until I delivered.
After giving birth to my daughter, we started to talk about the future of our family
I didn’t want to be pregnant again, but I couldn’t bear the thought of not having more biological children. And the hyperemesis gravidarum was so stressful on the entire family so my husband was very hesitant of me going through another pregnancy as well.
Despite our concerns, we knew we wanted to at least have one more baby. So a few months before our daughter turned two, we decided to try to get pregnant again. We figured if I started the medication right away, that it wouldn’t get as bad as it had the first time.
A few months after we began trying for baby number two, I found out I was pregnant. And again, when I reached six weeks, the nausea started. I got on medication right away but this time, the medication didn’t work on its own so I had to add on a second one. This pregnancy was very similar to my first as I was still stuck on the couch most of the time from my nausea, but worse since I had a toddler to take care of as well.
After my son was born, we came to the conclusion that it was not worth it to go through another pregnancy, so we would not have any more biological children.
I don’t want to be that sick ever again
It was so hard on my body going through both of my pregnancies and I have some side effects that I now worry are permanent things that I will have to deal with. Mentally, the pregnancies were hard on me as well: they made me feel so depressed, lonely and helpless – and I don’t ever want to feel that way ever again.
I also don’t want to put my husband and children through that stress again.
It's so hard for them to see me sick, and it makes it even harder that I can’t do very much when I'm stuck on the couch all day and night. I felt so bad for my husband having to work all day, then come home and care of me and my daughter, all while doing most of the housework. It was leaving him drained but he felt like he couldn’t tell me because he didn’t want me to feel worse.
My difficult pregnancy hurt my daughter, too
I wasn’t able to really take her out anymore, so we were home most of the time. I really struggled with being the best mom I could be while I was pregnant. Coming to terms with this hasn't been easy, but it's something that's getting easier every day.
We've been trying to find the benefits in having two children in order to help our decision be easier. We have also considered possibly adopting or fostering in the future if we feel that we want to bring another child into our family.
I don’t know exactly what the future holds, but I do know that thanks to hyperemesis gravidarum, I will never be pregnant again.
