IN THIS ARTICLE
Although it can be cliché, there is some truth to the saying — we want to do it all. And when it comes to motherhood, the drive to do it all intensifies. As our bellies grow and the time of labor nears, we think of all of the things that we need to do. Asking for help is not an option, because “I got it.”
The truth is no one has “got it.” We have to let go of the pressure to do it all.
Asking for help sounds easy, but in reality we actually do need guidance in how to ask for what we need. When my children were born, the phrase “Nope, I got it” was on repeat. Trying to do it all was draining, and although I was taking care of my household, I was not going about it in an effective way. It was nonsensical.
So, avoid the excessive amount of exhaustion, and instead begin asking for help before the baby arrives.
It takes two (or more): Ways to ask for help
We get it — sometimes asking for help can be hard. Here are a few ways to connect with your partner so that you will get the support you need.
Start with having conversations before the baby is born
Share your excitement, your worries, and avoid only talking about the material items you and your baby will need. “The focus is so much on practical needs,” Pam Pilkington, a perinatal psychologist and founder of Partners to Parents, told the The New York Times. “During pregnancy, people perhaps don’t focus on the couple relationship, or supporting each other emotionally as much as they could.”
Be honest with each other
Discuss how you imagine having your child grow and up and have your partner share their desires as well. Figure out what type of parents you want to be.
Get organized together
Develop a baby registry and plan the nursery together. Help each other decide on your new routines, and even do things like download the same nursing app so that you and your partner can always be in sync.
Figure out who will be doing what
When your baby does arrive, there will not be time to think about who will change diapers, put the baby down, or wake up at night. Talk about it now. Define the roles ahead of time in order to ease any tension.
Express your needs and desires when it comes to receiving support
Let your partner know that while you may not always ask for help, you will need it. Let them know that it will be OK — and encouraged — for them to take action without waiting for you to ask.
Dealing with the emotional load: How to ask for help with mental health
Depression, baby blues, and postpartum depression can happen to any mom. Depression while pregnant occurs in at least 7% of women, and the "baby blues" is prevalent in about 4 out of 5 women. And, according to the to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), for every eight women, one will experience postpartum depression. The numbers are telling. Mothers need emotional and mental support.
Asking for help with this will be essential to your overall health.
Go to birthing classes together, and begin sharing your pregnancy journey with your partner. Share the physical changes as well as the emotional changes. Help your partner understand all that you are experiencing so that asking for help comes with less anxiety.
Most important, don't hesitate to reach out to a health care professional for help with prenatal and postpartum depression.
Getting help with a newborn
Help can and will look different in every partnership. You and your partner will figure out what works for your new life with a baby. Here are some practical points on where to start:
Night shift
Even if you are exclusively nursing, have him take the night shift. Your partner can either clean the bottles, burp the baby, or wake up for emotional support.
Clean up
In the first month and beyond, your house will be a mess, and “dirty house” anxiety is real. Ask your partner to help with the laundry, the dishes, and the picking up toys.
Bottle prep or pump prep
No matter how you go about feeding your baby, setting up the bottles or cleaning the breast pump is time-consuming. Have your partner help with those tedious tasks.
Meals
You'll need help feeding the baby, but the adults need to eat too. Make sure your partner is ready to prepare meals, or at least knows where all of the takeout menus are stashed.
Naptime!
Express to your partner when you need a nap. Don’t think that you always have to be the one awake.
Visitors can wait
Discuss when family and friends can begin coming by. If you both feel comfortable having family come over in the first few weeks, then let those visitations happen. However, do not feel pressured.
Me time
Know that it is OK to plan time for yourself. “A couple of times a week, as soon as my husband got home from work, I would toss the kids at him and run down to the local coffee shop. I would have a quiet dinner, just me and my newspaper,” Brooklyn writer Amy Oztan previously told Mom.com. “It was heavenly. Those dinners kept me sane.”
Plan a date
Children take over your lives, so plan dates. Have family or friends over to watch your little one while you and your partner go on a coffee date or even an actual dinner date. Don’t hesitate to ask. You both will need to recharge together.
*Disclaimer: The advice on Mom.com is not a substitute for consultation with a medical professional or treatment for a specific condition. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem without consulting a qualified professional. Please contact your health-care provider with questions and concerns.
