'You Look Small!'
You may think this is a compliment, and it does sound nice to the pregnant lady who looks like she is giving birth to a baby and a Taco Bell. But the truth is that some women have struggled to keep up their weight because of severe morning sickness or are worried that their baby isn’t growing well. You never know what is going on inside that womb. So, just ask about The Bachelor, instead.
'Should You Be Eating That?'
The food police are never welcome, especially when you are pregnant. While you may side-eye a pregnant woman eating sushi or downing some coffee or (grab your pearls) some wine, most food recommendations are guidelines most food is OK within moderation. Trust that the mom is working with her body, her needs and her doctor. Also, it’s none of your business.
'When I Was Pregnant, I Never …'
You might think you are talking about how when you were pregnant you never had to worry about silly dietary rules or weight gain guidelines or spent so much money on fussy maternity clothes. But it just seems smug, especially to a pregnant lady who is just doing the best she can to not eat all the burritos.
'Are You Going to Breast-Feed?'
Never was a question more fraught with booby traps than this one. Many women want to breast-feed but can’t. Some women don’t want to. The point is that it’s different for everyone, and a woman’s plans are her own.
'Can I Touch Your Belly?'
This is such an awkward question. Touching someone’s stomach is a violation of her personal space, because, yes, that stomach still belongs to her. Also, don’t just touch a pregnant woman’s stomach. As a general rule, it’s not polite to grab anyone’s body parts, even a pregnant person’s.
'Looks Like You Could Go Any Day'
When I was pregnant with my first child, strangers, acquaintances and my husband’s co-workers started telling me that I looked like I was going to “pop” any day. So, it was really awkward when I told them I still had three more months to go. For most pregnant women, by the time they look like they could “go any day,” they are miserable and tired. They don’t need to be reminded about how big they look.
'I Never Pictured You as the Maternal Type'
I heard this several times when I announced my first pregnancy, and, invariably I replied, “Well, I wasn’t a mother then, and I am now.” And, while you may be surprised at who in your friend group is popping out babies, it’s never the best idea to passively imply that you think they aren’t cut out for parenthood. By now, it’s too late.
'Sleep Now, Because You Won’t Once the Baby Comes'
Yes, this is the 21st century. Being a mother is not the enigma shrouded in a puzzle that it once was. We all know that being a mother means extreme exhaustion. Hollywood, television and the horror stories on a million blogs have prepared all mothers-to-be for the exhaustion. And if they aren’t prepared, idle warnings by acquaintances sure won’t help. Also, I have it on good authority that pregnant ladies don’t sleep well either.
'Are You Having a Natural Birth?'
Unless the mother volunteers this information, it is simply none of your business. You may be curious, but resist the urge to start the mommy wars.
'Having a Child Changes You'
This is one of those platitudes that I was told a lot during my pregnancy. It masquerades as something deeper, but really, it is just stating the obvious. A child changes you, but so does any major life event. Also, the sky is blue, grass is green and Tina Fey is hilarious.
'How Old Will That Make You When the Baby Graduates?'
You never know the true story of someone’s road to parenthood. For some it’s fraught with anxiety and fear and loss, and then, when they finally conceive, they have to contend with a whole host of new issues—like age and the complications that come along with them. Your comments on someone’s “advanced maternal” age is never a good idea in any company. Best to keep those observations to yourself.
'Are You Pregnant?'
Unless a woman has a child, dangling from an umbilical cord between her legs, don’t ask. If you are wrong, the embarrassment for the both of you will outweigh the small pleasure you would have if you were right. Ask her about the weather, her job, or that new cat meme. Never ask if she is pregnant.
'Are You Sure You're Not Having Twins?'
No pregnant woman wants to be reminded about her size. She knows. She’s the one who hasn’t seen her feet in months. So, even if she looks like she is birthing a baby mastodon, or like she is actually carrying her baby weight in her earlobes, just keep your comments to yourself. Everyone carries differently, and, remember, we’re all just one cheap condom away from being rolled away by Oompa Loompas.
'Have You Had That Baby Yet?'
No. If you have to ask, the answer is “No.” No one wins with this question.
'They Don’t Give out Trophies for [Insert Parenting Decision Here]'
From breast-feeding to birth with-or-without-an-epidural, to sleep training and beyond, it is no secret that parenting decisions cause derision. But no new mom needs to be told that the parenting decisions she has made aren’t going to be rewarded. We all know there aren’t medals or trophies, but that shouldn’t stop a mother from doing what she thinks is best.
