Lisa Pontius is no stranger to dropping truth bombs on TikTok. The 33-year-old SAHM, who lives in Charleston, South Carolina, with her husband and kids, often shares little snippets about everything from common pregnancy fears to coping as a mom with ADHD. Recently, a video she shared about setting parental boundaries caught her some major flack in the comments — and her epic response to all the outrage is now going viral for making some very valid points.
The original video was first shared earlier this month
In it, Pontius talked about the adult parent-child relationship, and having to set some boundaries with her own mom to protect her mental health. But apparently, people had some feelings about that.
@itsme_lisapAlready anticipating the Karen’s in the comments #parenting #parentsoftiktok #parentchildrelationship #respect #boundaries
“I got a lot of comments from older women who reiterated the message, ‘You should be grateful for everything your mother’s done for you,'” Pontius relayed in a follow-up video on July 13.
Right away, this kind of irked her
According to Pontius, the comments seemed to imply that setting boundaries with a parent means “you don’t love or appreciate what they’ve done for you,” which she says isn’t the case at all. (In fact, it can sometimes be quite the opposite.)
The truth of the matter, says Pontius, is that setting boundaries can be healthy for both of you, and she continues to explain why (before warning that it might just might piss some people off).
It's at this point that she really gets *into it*
“Children don’t owe their parents a certain kind of relationship,” Pontius declares, adding that “depending on the parent, they might not owe them respect, either.”
She’s not talking about 2-year-olds, though; she’s talking about adult children who have already flown the nest. Children who are way past the diaper phase (though they may be changing some now themselves), and have reached the point of supporting themselves and making their own life choices.
To Pontius, love and respect are reciprocal
And sometimes, a parent hasn’t done enough to earn that. (Or, in some cases, they’ve done something to lose it.)
“There is definitely a different dynamic between an adult parent and a child who’s still a child,” Prontius clarifies. “But once that kid is an adult, that person is a fully formed human being. And all that ‘sh-t they did for you’ is parenting … which is what you signed up for.”
“It’s a parent’s job to provide for their children. It’s a responsibility,” she continues. “Not everyone rises to the occasion, but that’s like the bare minimum, taking care of your kid’s physical and financial needs. The level above that is their emotional needs, which good parents do, but all of that is not a contingent relationship. You’re not loving and providing for your children with the expectation that they will blindly obey and do whatever you say as adults.”
So far, people have been hanging on this mama's every word
And, in many cases, they could personally relate.
“So well said,” wrote one TikTok user. “Every time I try to set boundaries with my mom and grandma, they think I’m ungrateful! Ugh!”
“I agree,” added someone else. ”I gave my mom boundaries when I had my kids. She knew I loved her and respected her, but she understood.”
“You know who I respect? You,” another person shared. “This speaks volumes and I couldn’t agree more.”
At least one person was inspired to share some advice of their own, too.
“Someone once told me, ‘It is unfair for your mother to put the burden of her loneliness on you,’ and I think about it all the time,” they chimed in.
There were even a few mental health experts who applauded her
“YES. YES. YES,” commented one user. “I’m a therapist and have to teach this to my younger clients who carry this burden.”
“As a therapist, I wish I could triple like this video,” added another.
At the end of the day, Pontius doesn't just talk the talk
She also walks the walk.
Speaking with BuzzFeed this week, the mom of two said she adopts this same philosophy when parenting her own kids.
“They don’t owe me anything once they’re grown just because I birthed them,” Pontius told the outlet. “Hopefully by that point, I will have earned their admiration and respect by the relationship we have built, but that’s not a guarantee.”
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Of course, some of this thinking is just old-school parenting, plain and simple.
“Some parents parent through fear and authoritarianism,” Pontius continued, “and who in their adult life wants to maintain a close relationship with a dictator or someone who emotionally manipulates you? I kept seeing the same messages on my videos from members of the older generation that said children owe respect to their parents regardless of how the parent treated the child, and I think that’s simply naive and unrealistic.”
For now, Pontius merely hopes her post makes people think
“I hope parents, especially parents of younger kids, take away how delicate this relationship is that they are building with their children,” she shared. “That they will one day be adults and get to decide if they want you around, and hopefully you’ve given them a reason to want to.”
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