New Mom Feels ‘Triggered’ After MIL Refuses to Be Called Anything Other Than ‘Mama’

For the past six months, her MIL has been watching the baby three days a week while both the new mom and her husband are at work.

Needless to say, it's been a "huge help" both financially and mentally, and the Reddit poster insists that she and her husband are grateful for all of it.

In fact, that's why she's pushed aside most of the differences they've had so far, even though she could "write a novel" about all of the minor annoyances.

Ever since her granddaughter was born 10 months ago, the grandma has insisted that she be referred to as "mama."

The request didn't exactly come out of thin air, though. According to the new mom, calling the matriarch of the family "mama" is actually a tradition in her MIL's Chinese family, and was a normal part of her upbringing.

At first, the new mom tried to go along with it. But although the MIL initially said it could be pronounced as "ma-maah," she's been heard using it interchangeably with the more American pronounciation "mama," which is typically reserved for the baby's mother.

"I’ve tried countless times to explain to her that I should be mama and this will cause confusion since dada and mama are babies’ first words," the new mom explained.

But apparently, her MIL never takes her seriously.

"She laughs in my face every time," the new mom shared. "She says it would look embarrassing and shameful to her friends and sisters because they were all called mama by their grandkids, which makes me f–king livid because she cares more about keeping face than my own feelings."

"I decided months ago that I didn’t want this to be a hill to die on, but right now hearing her utter 'mama' this and that to my daughter all day long is very triggering," she admitted. "I’ve spoken to my husband about it many times and he’s tried to talk to her as well, but she also laughs it off with him."

The couple has even discussed the option of daycare, instead of keeping their daughter at home with her grandmother, but right now, it just doesn't make much financial sense.

An argument erupted with her MIL, in which she let loose on a lot of things she'd been holding back, including the whole "mama" debacle among other issues.

"I worry about my daughter 24/7 and whether she will be developmentally delayed under my MIL’s care," the mom confessed. "I worry about her being taught all the wrong things and my MIL’s nonsense and craziness rubbing off on her."

There's also another deeper layer to her growing concerns.

"I went through a lot of Asian generational trauma, and I’m afraid of the same thing unfolding before my daughter’s eyes," she continued. "I don’t feel respected and a stranger in my own home. I am at a loss at what to do. On top of this, I don’t know how to handle hearing my own daughter, given time, call my MIL mama and having no name for me."

"This would totally bother me," one commenter said. "I’m trying to get my 18-month-old to say 'mami,' and all he can say is 'mama' of course. I deserve that title and even honestly, it’s about you and your baby. Not about her and what her friends or relatives will think."

"Nope, throw the whole MIL away," another person wrote. "Sorry you have to deal with this – it would drive me nuts! You would think the parent's thoughts and feelings would outweigh tradition."

"I would absolutely be willing to die on that hill!" someone else said. "I get there's a cultural element at play here but still … gah … who gives a damn what her friends think!? My child finally saying mama and knowing they meant my MIL …. just rip my heart out why don't you!?"

"Sounds like there’s a lot to unpack here, but that’s legitimately the Cantonese [word] for paternal grandmother, so she’s not asking your baby to call her Mom," one person pointed out. "Of all the things to unpack/dwell on, that should not be it. It sounds almost the same to us because we don’t speak Cantonese, but it’s not identical."

"As someone who is Cantonese and understands tonally the difference between mama and 'maamaah,' it really is quite different," another person told her. "The funny thing is that my daughter even understands. She always calls me mama, and when she finally tries to refer to grandma, she knew it was different but couldn't say it correctly with the right tones. And actually just calls her "maaaah" (it's hilarious and so cute)."

"Maybe suggest to her 'Ah Ma' … which would also work in Cantonese," one person wrote.

"I do think OP and the MIL can meet a middle ground and be called what others have suggested nai Nai, a-ma, Po Po," another commenter suggested. "I also dealt with the same issue and we compromised that once my baby has established I'm her mom, mommy whatever and she starts to learn Chinese she is allowed to call my MIL mAH mah."

Other moms jumped in to suggest that daycare might actually be worth it, given the other concerns the new mom has.

"Thank you everyone for all the responses!" she wrote. "I never felt more solidarity with those that also had to deal with this issue. And also to those who say this is more of a language thing, I considered all the other variations of 'mama' that I would be happier with and would also satisfy MIL."

After venting online, she says that she sat down with her MIL and had a "heartfelt talk" after thinking things through. And luckily, they came to a compromise, settling on “ah-maaah” instead of "mama."

"It’s close, yet different enough, with the emphasis on toneation," the mom explained. "I think it had to take her another day (and a talk with my husband and my meltdown) for her to process and become fully aware of how important this is for me."

As for the mom's other concerns, she says that she's tried to be vocal about them and that her MIL insists she's "trying her best," but will now try even harder.